I'm so tired that I really don't know what to write about other than...

I will never put myself in this kind of ordeal again.  I'm piss broke, and all this drama is driving me insane. 

I'm just so over it.

I just want to sleep.

Akira, as always, is being an angel.

I'm really worried he's going to get fed up and leave too.

My insanity...because the apple never falls from the Tree

My mother is just straight up insane.

I love her dearly, I do.  She's beautiful and funny and very kind if everything is exactly the way she wants it, but her cling to me is near death grip.  So naturally she is freaking out that I'm moving away.  She's been trying to even break me and Akira up, she's tried guliting me with her health, and then she was like, you promised you would never leave me! And I was like but I have to, it's not forever, it's just for now.  But she's had a supermassive freak out over NOTHING.

When I say freaking out...I mean that she's throwing such a huge fit that she took back everything she could that she's ever given me and things she can't take back, like my phone, she reported the phone stolen (my fault for joining her family plan even though I pay for it, I should just keep things in my name, I learned that with the business) so now I'm phoneless until tomorrow (which isn't cool because I have clients call that number) and she's just crazy.

Straight up crazy.

The move is a year from now...and she's insane.  Soooooo I called off having a wedding, not the marriage, I'm still marrying Akira, I just think that all the parents are going too crazy over all of this that I'm really tired of dealing with it.  If they all want to throw fits then it will have to be over something else because there's no more wedding.

Saves Akira and I a shit load of money anyways that I would rather invest on a house. 

I feel like I put a retirement home on time out.

Akira though found all this pretty entertaining and I think he's even proud of how I handled it, though he's really worried I'm going to snap any moment because I'm starting to shake all the time from the stress of dealing with everyone and trying to make everyone happy.  So everytime we talk and he sees me he repeats over and over, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.  I'm staying calm.  I'm extremely sad and I want to sob but I don't have time I have to keep everything moving forward.

I don't want a wedding.  I want a marriage.

And I would really like sanity to return to our families because they are completely ruining this for us.  This isn't fun at all :-(

I would cry but I'm at work so I've been downing coffee wishing it was whiskey but at least I've done all my paperwork in lightening time.

Akira is cooking dinner tonight, I think that was really nice of him.  I love him so much.  I'm just so embarrassed everyone is acting like this.  I really wish everyone would just be happy for us.   I don't understand...everyone is upset because they want us to live near them, and I think that's a good sign, it shows how loved we are...both of us to everyone, but....this is not a healthy reaction.  We decided it wasn't fair to live near anyone...I don't see how we're being mean on that.  But everyone is just having the greatest freak out ever.  I really don't think they have any right at all to have any demands.  They are more then welcomed to give us their input but that's it. 

This is our life.  And my life goal is to be married and have a family...and I happen to be lucky enough to have found the most amazing person I've ever met in my life and for some crazy reason, he loves me and wants a family too. 

So I will unleash the gates of Hell if anyone messes this up!

Like a coin flipping in the air

Once again soooooooo much to update on.   Okay so last weekend Akira's host family came to San Diego to visit us for the weekend and to go to the Wild Animal Park (which was amazing!).  His host family is from a small town near the North Pole in Alaska.  When Akira was 16 and missing the States (since he had been back in Japan for the past seven years because his father's contract in Ohio was for only five years Akira was desperately trying to figure out a way to come back) he joined AFS.  AFS, from what I gather, is basically an international exchange high school program.  So Akira got transferred to Alaska, not his first choice, but he didn't care so long as it was back in the States.  He got very lucky, his host family is amazing.  Truly some of the kindest people I have ever met in my life.  Now they aren't world traveled, in fact, they are pretty blue collar, but they are just damn good people.  Big hearts.  So all the love and affection that Akira was lacking from his natural family and Japan was instantly filled when he met his Alaskan family, as we lovingly call them.  (it's a shame they aren't my actual inlaws...)  And I can understand why Akira was so confused on who he was...Japanese or American?  Because both families are extremely one way or the other.  His family in Japan is very traditional and live in a rural rice town, and his Alaskan family is very small town republican and even a bit racist, though...I don't think they mean to be, they just don't understand anything outside their own world, same with Akira's family in Japan, who are well...racist as well.  lol.  But no one means to be.  That's what I want to point out, cause Akira and I see this, none of them mean to be anything negitive, it's just how they were raised on what is thought of as a decent life.  So Akira, before me, was very confused.

Lucky for me my ordeal was extremes as well but it was easy for me to just accept it because unlike Akira, I'm also racially mixed so I really don't have a choice in the matter other than to be both cultures all the time which can be a bit of a pain in the ass but none the less, a more entertaining and open way of living life.  If I wasn't a half breed and if I wasn't so East and West I doubt Akira and I would be gettting married. 

That's the thing, both of our families see us as one way or the other instead of what we really are.  Akira is seen as either American or Japanese depending on which family he's around.  I'm seen as either Persian or American depending on which parent I'm around and then depending on what other Americans and Persians view me as...to Dad I'm always Persian, to Mom I'm always American....to other Persians and Americans, they are a bit confused on how to handle me....so either I'm embraced or shunned. Akira went through the same thing, was even bullied over it. This stuff use to bug me, but now I really don't care because no matter what I'm both.  And now Akira has accepted himself as that too.  He's both.  He's not one way or the other, he's just both.  

So as I was seeing how everyone was treating him, everything started to fall into place and we came to realize, sure we've had different lives and we have different cultures, but we're both very East and very West.  I even told him our relationship works out because we are like western friends but eastern lovers.  Which is very true.  I have yet seen an American woman willing to take care of a Japanese man without complaining about it because she doesn't understand the east's view of the roles of husband and wife.  Well I get it.  My father has done nothing but bang into my head on an almost hourly bases on the roles of a woman and a wife in an eastern home.  And Akira, dispite his perfect english and western behavior, loves in an extremely eastern way.  Which is the same way I do, so it works out.  We get each other.  We can flow from one side to the other with out any conflict and we enjoy nothing more then seeing how closely linked Japanese and Persians are to each other.  And we are each learning a new culture, which is also a bonus because each of us loves learning about cultures.  I'm sure we look crazy to everyone in our families, because we were both looked at as the sweet but odd ones in our own families, but Akira and I...I swear it's like we're always playing together.  Everything is great because we finally found someone else who experinces how we've lived our life.  He could never make it work with a Japanese girl or a western girl, and I could never make it work with a western guy or a middle eastern guy because we both needed someone who is both east and west. 

So....I guess what I'm trying to say with out bragging is.....I'm pretty happy I know him better than his family does....LOL!   And I'm pretty happy someone finally knows me <3 

But his Alaskan family is truly amazing, I even cried when they left (not in front of them thank God).

It's also pretty clear that the families are jealous of each other and keep trying to compete and convince us to live life their way...but we quickly answer this to a simple...there is no correct way because we don't fit into just one side of a family...we are both ways therefore the correct way to live life, to settle and to marry...is our way...both ways...in keeping with everything we value from all cultures and views and disregaurding those we see as too unfit in our lives.  Now naturally this hurts people in our family, but honestly, there's no way to get around it.

It's like that with half breeds and people raised in a multicultural atmosphere.  So those of you out there making us... you've been warned, looool.  I finally broke down today and told everyone to just accept that we are together to to not make us feel gulity for what we are doing because this is just who we are.  We're just...different....but we understand everyone's view.  We completely understand it, and no one is wrong...we're just different and that's nothing to be sad about, but to be proud of, I think at least...
This....

Plus this...

Equals a weird, crazy, open minded loving us!

And it feels like that, that we're walking hand in hand making our own way in life no longer alone <3

Reading into too much of what I'm reading...loool

So I'm a bride to be...and more than that, I'm a persian/american/japanese bride to be.  Well...since I know what is expected of American weddings, and since I'm just going to lightly make it Persian, Akira and I have decided that certain major accents of the decor, food, and dress change (from gown (American) to reception (Japanese) to honeymoon (....pornstar?) ) be Japanese.  Well...that's a great idea right?  Except Akira has only gone to one wedding and is a man, therefore has zero interest in anything wedding related.  So I've taken it upon myself and my trusty Japanese girl friends to handle this so that his mother won't dive bomb me during the reception. 

This has lead me to random parts of the day (since lately all I've been doing is posting ads and light accounting at work) to research what a Japanese bride is expected to do for her inlaws and husband since I figured that was the only thing I really need to know since it isn't exactly a Japanese wedding.  Well I started reading about the wedding dress...which seemed really pretty except for the head dress which I find extremely unflattering.  So...being nosy...I looked it up since everything in Japan seems to have some kind of story behind it.

And I found out that the head dress is so ugly because it's suppose to hide the "horns of Jealousy" and it goes on to talk about an old folk tale and how jealous women turn into demons ect...

Well...first I got pissed off considering that Japanese men seem to almost always have affairs...it's natural to be jealous, in fact, it's down right impossible not to be unless you're having an affair too....(my biggest fear is being added to this stat) and then I went through a long rant in my head on Japan's sick sex industry and well...by the end of the day, I drove home pissed off.

I was mad because I'm a very jealous woman, and since Akira is pretty honest (by default of not being very savy with the ladies I think) about who he finds pretty or not, I've always been in fear of any blonde that walks within a mile radius from Akira because I know he'll stare (luckily he hasn't done this in front of me because I do actually smack him..or the one time I did catch him).  Then I started to get jealous of his two coworkers (including the sweet one) and just started stewing over how mean it was that Akira told me that even though I wasn't a blonde that he still loved me (by comparing me to a toyota instead of a ferrari *btw I'm at LEAST a top of the line Merecedes...or a used Bently*) and that yes if there is a tiny blond in the group he would be more inclined to look at her.  SO...even though this was said a year ago when he had no clue that I could hold a grudge for forever...I sat there sipping my wine and staring at the makings for dinner thinking about how unfair and how ugly the head dress was and how it would be a cold day in hell before I put something like that on. 

The poor guy had no clue what kind of crazy he was coming home to.

So as I throw dinner around from pot to pan to dish and my sips have now turned into cups, Akira comes home and flopps himself and his briefcase on the couch at about 11pm....3 hours late from his ETA that he told me.  Lucky for me, I've learned to not start cooking until he calls me on his way home, in which this time I quized him about said coworkers and then hung up to a very confused and I'm sure, slightly scared, Akira.  Akira, for the most part, has learned to ignore me until he figures out why I'm crazy at said time.  So...he starts with what made me think he wasn't really working the past three hours.  And I snapped by asking if Blond A or Blond B were there at the office.  And he said no, he was the only one.  Then I snapped asking if he was distracted by Blond B and that's why he had to stay late to work.  This usually comes with a roll of eyes which can trigger a super massive fight or a sigh with a please don't insult my love for you by not trusting me talk which in turn makes me feel gulity.  He chose the gulit one, which worked and shut me up because I knew I was going crazy for no reason anyway.  So I served dinner and was secertly praying for my sanity to return when he finally takes my hand and askes me what's wrong.

So I started telling him how I was researching bridal attaire and how I didn't like the head dress (that got sad eyes) and how I have the horns of jealousy and that maybe he'd be better off with a Japanese girl because I'm such a jealous woman that it was just damn near a stupid point.  Akira just looked at me, Horns of Jealousy?  He asked tilting his head...and then he quickly grabbed the ipad and translated it and started laughing.  Well at this point I was near tears...one because the chicken was too dry and two because I had looked up something he didn't even know about.

Then he hugged me (cause we were eating on the floor) and he told me that he was so sorry for being so stupid at the start of our relationship, and that yes I shouldn't be jealous, but not because it could turn me into a demon but because he loves me so much that no other woman or person could ever make him think otherwise.  Then I asked him if he wished I was blond and he told me that now that I stopped dying my hair black and allowed to be all natural now (a reddish brown since mom is a strawberry blond and dad has black hair)  that it was the prettiest color he's ever seen and that he didn't see any horns anywhere in it.

This was a few weeks ago, but since it's on my mind I decided to write about it. 

The link that started my maddness
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Japan

So much to Update on

Well....Akira finally did a proper proposual...except since I have a ring, he gave me a diamond key necklace from Tiffany's.  I love it!  I told him to not spend so much money, that I didn't need it...but I have to be honest, I probably will never take it off.  I don't know how he knew, but I've always wanted one, but I just can't justify spending that kind of money on myself, and not use towards something logical...like paying down debt.  But it's beautiful and his proposal was so sweet.  We love this little town called Kernville, it has a white water river, near the giant sequoia trees, mountains, snow in the winter, and tons of hot springs.  It's very small, the town only has two stop lights and it was built from confederate soldiers that fled the rebuilt south.  We love it.  So we camped out on the river last weekend, waded in the river some, and when we got back, he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him.

We had waited to announce everything in hopes that his mother would come around, but that doesn't seem to ever happen, so he just told her that he was going to marry then and to please accept his decision. It still makes me really sad that she doesn't approve, but I'm really hoping once I go over there that maybe she will come around.

So I was and am extremely happy.  The entire weekend was just amazing, dirt roads, free range cattle and real cowboys, trains and hot springs, really really big trees that smelled wonderful...it really really reminded me of Alabama.  I miss it there so much, I swear I bleed the color of the red clay there.  But Kernville with its abondoned gold mines and ghost towns, it's like living in the real wild west, it's still wild there.  It was the perfect place to pop the question romantically, since a month ago we decided it like a business contract. 

So I'm a very happy panda.  And I feel extremely blinged out.  I have an all diamond watch, a massive diamond ring, and now a diamond necklace, all part of my engagement gifts...so I don't want to take them off, but when I'm in a tshirt and jeans....I feel really shy about it all.  I make it really clear to everyone I'm far from rich, I'm dirt poor actually because everything I earn I use almost all of it save a $100 a week towards paying off debt so after summer I can start saving up.   But...I'm really happy.

On top of that, I'm at 133 pounds right now!  So just 13 more pounds to go!!!! I'm so thrilled!  It's due to the lack of drinking I think...cause I can't afford to drink now, LOL.  But it's okay...I think I have my wedding dress picked out too, I'll have to get it shipped though, it's from a small boutique in Alabama that I used during my short lived pagenent days.  And I'm pretty sure I have a location and date...if I can get Akira to agree to it....he's being really difficult on that part...which is really annoying me...but I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be about it all...

But it's an old, small western town, turned into vineyard/steakhouse in Fallbrook where my mother lives...and I love it...I think it would be A- really cheap to reserve since they aren't very busy and unknown, B- easy to decorate as a multi culture festival, I can easily turn it into a Japanese like theme with laterns and all...and C- it has a chapel at the end of the "town".  I really really want it.  Or in Alabama...looool.  I can dream right?

*sigh*

Well I have a lot more to say, but I'm pretty zoned out because Dad is ranting and it's getting really entertaining. 

Diet success

I pulled my outfit off the mahican and it fit perfectly, I consider that a step towards success, so I'm a four in the USA and a 6 European so 15 more pounds and i will be wedding dress ready! Whoorah! ... Sorry I'm near the marine base, gotta love them!

I question Myself

Sometimes I wonder if all my issues with Akira are just in my head and only occur when we're apart....maybe I just get super paranoid and just start piecing together things that aren't there.

All I know is that man loves me so much and I love him so much.  He's just...extremely kind.

Anyhow we took a super cool weekend trip, I'll write about it later with pics, but yeah...

I need to find out how to calm myself down instead of reacting so poorly...if I could just stay calm, I wouldn't feel like such an ass.