One day...

One of my friend's newborn.  He's as old as mine would have been (the one Akira decided we should get rid of, not this one, but I'll tell you one thing, had I never had that abortion * absolute RAGE* I would have probably not miscarried)

I just can't stop crying.

I get to be a bitch right now

Cause my fucking hormones are EVERYWHERE right now.

I'm actually having hot flashes.

What is causing this you might ask?

Well since my dead baby isn't clotting itself out, I got to take some pills that on top of being extremely painful (a 3 day process of pain no less..and I'm dealing with it at work, the vomiting and heating pad and all), I'm allergic to the pain pills they did prescribe me so today...I'm all natural...which means I'm a sweating, full of water weight, and bloated like a balloon.

Needless to say, I'm a mess.   And I'm pissed.  I've gotten an few emails and what not from a few women out there (not pointing it out) talking about this ordeal and how I should be and blah blah blah.

Well fuck you.

When you carry around a fucking dead baby for over a week and then go through all this shit, you come talk to me.  Until then, I know my body, this is NOT my first time, and instead of people saying shit, why don't you grow a fucking heart and say I'm sorry for you loss instead of bitching me out or lecturing me.

My dream is to be a mommy, and it's really hard to deal with Akira's sister wanting to kill herself every other day and Akira's job transfer shit, the marriage and the fucking mountain of paperwork, the move, my uncle's death, my fights with Akira, and to be carrying a dead baby around the entire IS NOT SOMETHING TO LECTURE ME ABOUT!

I'm heartbroken and I'm tired, and I can't take off from work or life...so I'm putting it in here.

Either be nice to me or go the fuck away.

Some news...

Well I have another doctor's appointment tomorrow and the sister went through another fit... But I think I know what to do to help calm her down...

Akira and I spent a real weekend together finally... Very normal and extremely wonderful... No wonder we fell in love...

And our rings came in!!!!

Cause I need to take it one moment at a time.

I don't feel like doing a real update because honestly, I don't want to think about how horribly depressed I am...

So...I went shopping.

My elopement dress.  Vera Wang.  Still need shoes.... Ordered flowers, searching for a photographer...

ugh.

*sigh*

Oh God, so much has happened.

I'm so tired and still so sore that I don't have the energy to write about it...but it's just...

blah.

My lining is ripped and I go for a full cleaning on the 28.

:-(

I'm not going to lie....I'm heart broken.  Another baby... :-(  What pisses me off the most is that Akira spent a good 48 hours trying to convince me to have an abortion and only after I tore him into shreds and brought his sister who has been trying to kill herself every other week due to an asshole Japanese guy who fucked her, knocked her up, and turns out he's married.  And she gets expelled while he goes out smelling like a rose. But only after that did he say, okay I'm just scared, let's keep it.  Well we can't cause it's fucking dead while you were screaming at me on a god damn fake snowy hill while I was strapped to a piece of wood unable to fucking stand.

Fuck Japanese men.  Heartless bastards.

What a fucking way to start the holidays....on top of Akira surpassing the dick head award.

I finally got him to schedule our marriage.  We get hitched Dec. 11, the day before the world "ends".

Least I'll go out as an honest woman *rolls eyes*.

Off to the girls for wine.

At least he says he quit smoking.

I'm not going to quit.

On top of that, we might have to move to Japan soon, so...I'm just...

heart broken.

Nothing is more fun

Than Akira not believing me that I can't stand on a snowboard and him yelling at me for an hour, then going to the car alone to throw and now I'm bleeding so I think I'm having a miscarriage.

And he yelled at me for not believing I was hurting and blaming it on me quitting.

Well all I can say is oh well and light a a smoke so I don't cry at what is happening.

real update.

Alright, I've been due for a decent, slightly less emotional post then the usual, update.

Akira's sister is going to come visit us, probably in Jan. which is great because she's going through extreme heart break...and has lost the will to go on a few times....resulting in a break from school (actually she was forced to not come back until the guy that broke her heart finishes school...yet another action showing how barbaric Japanese society and government treat women and their rights.  Had it been done in the States, the guy would be expelled from medical school, banned from it in fact, and charged with attempted murder and probably be in jail without bail....but in Japan...*rolls eyes*) and a long over due trip back to the States where she spent her childhood.

One thing I have noticed with his sisters is that there is the issue of blending into Japanese society completely and I think it's due to the fact that they spent their early childhood in Ohio in the typical all American fashion. With Akira, he had had issues being alfa male and what it means to be manly in Japan vs being manly in the States, and that goes along with treatment of women.  When I was in Japan, the only other man that ever opened my door or showed me any kind of charming mannerism was Akira's father (who is just as adorable as Akira might I add).  So...the battle of the sexes and their roles are also a conflict within the girls.  Now I have to admit, Akira's sisters are quite pretty.  They do not really try to do that whole Asian girl trying to look like a white girl ordeal...but they do have that maple dyed hair (close to my natural color actually thanks to my strawberry mother lol) very pale skin and very thin framed.  They are soft spoken and very low energized.  So in that respect they are very Japanese, but then they talk.  And it's so American.  Hand movements, sarcasm, a fairly strong ego for a Japanese woman...ect.  So...like Akira, they are slightly outcasted.  Which I think is a shame for society, they would certainly benefit by knowing these strong willed women if you ask me, and of course I adore my Akira who is now even a slight feminist now that protective brother mode has kicked in.

I have to say, I'm very please with his family.  And through all this tragedy, his parents and sisters have gotten extremely close to me and his mom fully trusts me.  So now...I'm very proud to be and very lovingly ready to be part of their family.

In other news, my relationship with Akira isn't going very well....not that anything dramatic has happened, but we hardly ever see each other, never have days off together...Sunday will be our first whole day together since Japan.

So...

We will see.... I hope it'll be a good day...but I always worry that he has a crush on some little server working for him or something...I dunno.

I dunno.

Our apartment is wonderful.  It's a lot like a house...or a condo I guess.  Very very very pleased with it.

I'm the little grasshopper

Cause Sunday Akira is gonna teach me to snowboard. Poor little children on the bunny hill... I can tell I'll be knocking them down like a professional bowler.

A little late to be late?

Am I behind on having kids?

I'm a few months shy of being 28...

And....right now...I'm one week late....

Though I've been really stressed lately and I still have the stomach flu, which Akira gave me and I, lovingly, gave to my little brother who I had to send home from work today cause he was puking everywhere.

Ah...family.

Happy over most of the elections

So pint for the ladies! This is one of my bffs. We didn't club, but it was very fun!

That's Diana and me in a dive bar near our new home and the kitty is from Akira's mom and sisters. It solar and just wages its tail but it's pretty darn cute.

YIPPIEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We got an award!!!! We are the best IT support in Orange County!!!!!!!!!

I'm gonna be on TV!!!!!!

IN YOUR FACE HATERS!  Saying I would never make it and that I was just working here because it's mom and pop and I won't amount to anything.

IN

YOUR

FACE!