It's not worrying about fitting in or finding a way to live a meaningful life. My fear of being jobless is only because I cannot handle the idea of leeching off Akira's income. I didn't realize it was so bad until we had a small fight over who would pay for my train ticket since I can't drive until tuesday. And the idea of him paying or even asking him sent me into a panic. . And im not sure why other then it makes me feel very useless and very guilty. It makes me feel like I should clean better and cook better. It makes me feel like well... Horrible. Like I'm not good enough or something. Maybe I'm too proud but really I don't want to spend his hard earned money on small things that are only for myself. I feel like money he spends on us is okay but spent solely on me is very unfair to him. So that's why I'm worried. I don't want to be a late 20s wife who is useless.
Akira is home now and I couldn't be happier. I really missed him, I always miss him but since I've been such a mess it's really wonderful being in his calmness again. He is so calm and so productive and upbeat that's it's impossible not to fall into the same mood as him. He told me yesterday when I kept apologizing for freaking out (because it makes me feel so embarrassed and guilty when I react poorly) and he laughed and told me he loved my freak outs that it made him feel like he had to think about what to do on how to calm me down cause I'm like a very sweet but very wild horse. I actually liked how he put that, mainly cause I love horses but he said it gently enough letting me know that yes I was a pain in the ass but one that he loved. So yeah... I dunno how to get comfortable relying on him. I think I'm just going to buy what I need in bulk before we leave so that it won't be as much on him. I told him saving for big things is more important. And it is. I love him so much.
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