Part two

So what had gotten me upset this time is that he had gone to Japantown and I had told him his view of Japanese Americans was pretty unfair and harsh (like I said, he calls them fake Japanese) and I actually think it's hypocritical considering that he's pretty much a Japanese American...so anyhow, he went and got moved and started appericating them and all that wonderful jazz....sent a number of elegnant almost down right poetic texts on how moved he was by the Japantown and even thanked me. 

So that was all extremely sweet. 

But his host mom's dog died and she was pretty upset and I was trying to reach him and I couldn't for a few hours, which was okay...not like a flipped out.  I figured he zoned into whatever single object caught his attention because the man cannot multi-task groups at all (like work, friends, family, ect...it has to be one at a time...and it's all or nothing).  So I waited for his call back and he told me how he met this guide and toured the tiny Japanese American museum...and I asked him wow, three hours?  And I made a crack that the guide must have been cute and he went off on me.  Started telling me I ruined it by being jealous and that I was selfish and didn't understand him at all, blah blah blah.

Well...I just didn't want to talk to him.  Maybe I'm jealous, but honestly, can you blame me considering his track record?  And if I can't joke about his flaws then I'll end up getting pissed about them.  If he feels ashamed of himself and doesn't like it when I make him realize when he's a jerk than that's his problem.  If he doesn't want to get ashamed, than he should stop doing it.  I'm not going to ever ignore it, and I will call it out every time.  That's my self esteem right there, I'm not going to lay down and let him do whatever he wants at my expense.

Anyhow...then the selfish part.  Let me tell you what a sucky engagement this has been...not only do I not have a ring, nor was I ever really proposed to...but I can't even offically announce it because he hasn't told his mother that we are engaged, only that he wanted to marry me.

Again...a lie.

Then the entire baby issue....don't even get me started on that...  Then the move, I have zero desire to up and leave in my late 20s to another country with NOTHING and have to start all over again.  I do not want to live in Japan.  I don't mind visiting it, in fact I'm all for living there once we have at least a little something to come back to...or even go to.  But to start all over again and have nothing, no job, I can't even work if I wanted to, and I have a degree that is worth NOTHING there....oh no honey...I'm not selfish, he wanted the baby gone...and it went...he wants to move to Japan...we will.  He doesn't want to tell people we are engaged because his mother is having issues...so I haven't planned or said a damn fucking thing.  Then on top of the cleaning, waking up at 3am to make him dinner when he works for forever, and basically doing whatever he wants to do...

I'm not selfish.

My little joke made him ashamed of being a jerk, so then he starts saying bullshit?  I'm not selfish and my esteem is just dandy. 

And I hate his voice whenever he's mad, he sounds like a bratty little boy, I almost want to yell at him to stop sassying me before I take my belt off and spank him.  That's how I feel.  Brings out the southern Alabama mother in me.  I cannot stand it when people get rude, and you better believe me, I correct any one anytime they are.  I don't have a moment of shyness when it comes to teaching people some manners.

Again...he really didn't do anything...except that he threw some low punches when he had no right to.

That's why I'm mad...but had I just wrote that, everyone would have been like, what's up with this girl...but now that you know the meat of deal...I'm sure ya'll understand why I'm close to telling Daddy to go all Jihad on him. 

Course...no one knows I'm upset.  And work has been wonderfully busy because I finally, and quietly, started putting ads out since Dad stopped them...I did only free ones so it's not like he can take it out of my check, it's just a shame I don't get commission on top of this...course I get paid crap...so...

I do love him, I want you guys to know that, he has improved.  But improvement is not a complete...recovery...I guess you can say.  You can say, well the break is repairing because now he walks with a tiny limp, but he's still not walking...and Akira, Akira is good enough and smart enough that he can be an elegnant runner.  He can be a true gentleman.  He's just got to get over his peer influences who have so far...been no where near gentleman.  Though they do visit gentlemen clubs :-/

And I know so of you are like, well why are you being so strict on him?  Does it really matter? He hasn't actually cheated, blah blah blah.  Let me tell ya'll.  I have been through enough in my life.  I have been raped, beaten, locked in closets, had boiling water poured in my.....while tied up upside down then locked in the closet again...and then..after I moved out at 17 and got away from it, went into a number of abusive relationships, until two years ago when it almost killed me, I stopped and just decided there are things that matter...and then there are things that don't.  That the past is the past and I am who I am because of it, but since so much of my life has been spent waiting to be able to leave perverts...I'm not about to spend my life with someone who is one.

And most men are pervs, thinking it's all innocent, even convincing us girls that it's okay for boys to go to strip clubs or to look that boys will be boys, and no...that's all peer influenced.  Men aren't born disrespecting women.  That is straight up learned behavior.  And that shit...I won't tolerate.  I let a lot of shit slide, but that's one thing I will never ever be loose on.

You either be a decent human being around me or you get the fuck out of my life.

I've wasted enough time being hurt by those kinds of people.  I surely won't deal with it willingly or to seem like a "modern" woman.  That is shit is wrong, everywhere.  Period.