I'm not a workaholic...I do 50 hour weeks and my long commute makes it seem longer and maybe at times it can get up to 60...but it's really a lot in comparison to the Japanese. Akira easily averages 72 hours a week.
I just can't picture myself not working. I can, in no shape or form, completely rely on a man. I have been screwed over way too many times and have had to restart my life from NOTHING way too many times because I fell in love with an asshole and trusted him to take care of me.
Let me tell you something, you're the only one who can make your money yours, and you're the only one that can make you happy. Your partner has two things....to help out providing a life (as in to not COST you anything, as in, you shouldn't be supporting someone unless there are situations where support is called in for, but by no means should either one fully support the other forever and ever) and second, to not piss you off.....note I didn't say to make you happy....just to not piss you off or hurt you.
That's it.
These two things I consider the abosolute lean meat of a relationship. I'll even put honesty on the back burner because nothing is more important than a roof over your head and your head staying sane.
Right now...I'm extremely nervous. I do not trust Akira enough to make the correct choices to ensure that we will have either of those two, much less both that is needed.
I cannot sit at home all day long, not working, waiting for Akira to get home, getting fat and depressed.
That's not life...at least not for me. I want to build my empire, to do something everyday that I'm proud of and did on my own. I also want a life that can support the grounds to build a loving family.
I really don't know how to make Akira understand this...I have said it to him over and over again...and since I'm naive and since I've never been married....I'd really like some advice...because the worrying over the move to Japan, that now I refuse to do, is stressing me out so bad that I haven't eaten in two days.
And I'm hyper as ever. I even cleaned the house this morning before going to work.
I'm in flight mode...because the fight mode isn't working....
Hey Tiffany,
ReplyDeleteLooking through your blog a bit, I felt compelled to offer my thoughts. Apologies in advance if this is presumptuous, as I am just some schmoe on the internet who doesn't really know you or your life.
First of all, I really commend you for the openness of your blog. You put out a lot of stuff that most people wouldn't, myself included. But I find it sad (I mean that in a genuine way, not trying to be a dick) that you find financial stability and "not pissing each other off" to be the main two criteria for marriage. I'm sure you're not the only one, and sure, financial stability is a big necessity for building a family and being comfortable in general. But I think beyond that, a good marriage is one in which both partners are committed to trying to one another happy. You're right that you can't depend on others to make you happy, but in a loving relationship/marriage, it's not so much dependence as the result of being with someone who wants to make you happy and thinks about that equally or above their own happiness. Honesty and all that other good stuff should just flow naturally from that foundation.
I know that writing about one's relationship often lends itself more towards jotting down the negative things going on to help vent. I see that you really love Akira, and so I'm sure he must have some great features that aren't coming through in your writings. So I'm sure I don't have the full picture here. But I don't know...one thing I've learned and am still dealing with is that you can't expect people to change. Sometimes they will, but they have to want to, and it's not something you can bank on.
I'm not telling you that my advice is to break up with your fiance, but I do think you need to be careful here and consider your future, Tiffany. And talk to Akira more about this stuff. Again, I know I am seeing a very small piece of the whole here, but I see a beautiful, smart, ambitious woman who is in love with a guy who doesn't seem to be reciprocating to the degree required for a good marriage (and maybe a Japanese woman would be more resigned to that).
Just my two cents. However things go, I'm hoping the best for you.
Well it's not about being rich it's about being able to afford things like food. We are at that point. We both work and we earn a lower middle class income but akira wanted us to move to Japan completely jobless from June until April where he isn't even ensured an interview. That is a huge problem because I can't even work in Japan because I'll be on a dependency visa. We won't have health insurance in case I do end up pregnant during that time plus I have to keep my cancer issues in check along with his health as well. I don't care about labels or status, I'm seriously talking about surviving. I've been dirt poor before but at least I knew how to climb out and earn enough for rent and what not.
DeleteSorry my comment froze loooool. The issue with akira is that he's always been alone and he's use to doing things that doesn't really involve a plan. These past few days we've been talking a lot because even now his company pays for his car, rent , phone, health ect and before that was his parents, he's never really had to deal with bills and how expensive life is to just survive not even be comfortable but to not end up on the street. I had to break down his living expenses since even his gas is paid and show him how much real life costs and how in the beginning I can't even help us in Japan and that if he wanted us to live there that that would be fine but that he at least needs a job and it would be ideal to wait those jobless months here in the states and save until one of us has a job or both of us that makes enough to cover rent and what not and can be built. I'm not talking about a job at starbucksnim talking about a job that will grown into something he enjoys and will ensure that our family can grow. Even Japanese women wouldn't stand for this, and he knows that,minis father agrees with me too. He doesn't hate his job now he loves it actually, but teaching is his passion and I fully support his dream so long as it is done in a smart way and the move is done to where there is a low amount of suffering since I'll be in enough shock as it is and heartbroken over leaving my job.
DeleteWith that said u are always welcomed to comment and please do I'm truly trying to figure out as much as possible to try to improve our situation. I love akira, he's just in desperate need to u dear stand that now its just not him in akiraland, it's me too.
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DeleteI didn't accidentally delete ur comment right? My iPad is acting up looool
DeleteAh! Blue shoe I did I'm so sorry! I don't know how to undo it :-( but you are right it's way more then economy. Akira is truly my best friend probably the person I've ever been closest to that's way his one track mind on himself gets me so angry cause it hurts....but I really don't think he means it I think he's never been in a true relationship before this and he's still young he's only 25 so his mistakes are something I'm sure I'll look back and laugh about. I just didn't expect this much naive thinking from him because he's so independent but I guess he's also very sheltered so it takes some energy explaining certain things and mannerisms (like the porn ordeal) that are just norms in a relationship. He's trying his best and he's a really good man, I think he's suffering a little from post college identity but he's quick and he's smart, he'll figure it out. I dont think he realized until this past week how bad certain things hurt me and I'm sure if effected him so much that I doubt he'll even do anything remotely like that again or for a very long time. And he agreed with me on the move. I need more then just one trip and we need jobs but we can live in a slum and still be happy I just really want a family and so does he so in order for that there needs to be at least a basic plan.... And time to save for when shit hits the fan in one way or another. I swear I was meant to be a man. Lol.
DeleteNope, that delete was me, not you. I was responding to your first comment but then I saw you posted another one and my original no longer applied. So no worries!
ReplyDeleteI see. Well, I think you're handling things correctly by being open and honest with him about the things that are bothering you. The only other advice I have to offer at the moment is not to rush into anything, especially if he is still kind of growing into the relationship and being *with* someone.
I got out of a serious relationship a little over 3 months ago now, and although it wasn't a first for me, it hit home that love isn't always enough to make it work (even with someone you'd like to marry). But each case is different and it looks like you know what's important. I wish you luck. =)
Wow I'm so sorry, it always hurts no matter what whenever someone exits your life <3 Thank you for your advice, I'm in desperate need of it because I'm super nervous (but I'm a generally over all paranoid person lol) I love your blog btw!!!! My family and I have an inside joke about coneheads so your last posting cracked me up! <3
DeletePart of life. But thanks for the kind words, and I'm also glad you enjoy the blog! The Coneheads were possibly the best thing to come out of SNL.
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