Trendy cafes in Cali

Cause the worst stomach ach ever!!!!!!!

Damn you Fiber salad!  You tasted like nothing too!  I had a ton of hot sauce and it was just spicy crunchiness...and just...no....

The hell with these trendy places man.  Even LAX looks like a club now...even has a red carpet.

That should be LA's theme, food and drinks that clean you out for outragous prices while listening to techno music and sitting in a room full of puple fading to blue lights.

That place is made for eating disorders.

Bad choice, never again.

Found my issue with the move

It's not worrying about fitting in or finding a way to live a meaningful life. My fear of being jobless is only because I cannot handle the idea of leeching off Akira's income. I didn't realize it was so bad until we had a small fight over who would pay for my train ticket since I can't drive until tuesday. And the idea of him paying or even asking him sent me into a panic. . And im not sure why other then it makes me feel very useless and very guilty. It makes me feel like I should clean better and cook better. It makes me feel like well... Horrible. Like I'm not good enough or something. Maybe I'm too proud but really I don't want to spend his hard earned money on small things that are only for myself. I feel like money he spends on us is okay but spent solely on me is very unfair to him. So that's why I'm worried. I don't want to be a late 20s wife who is useless.

Akira is home now and I couldn't be happier. I really missed him, I always miss him but since I've been such a mess it's really wonderful being in his calmness again. He is so calm and so productive and upbeat that's it's impossible not to fall into the same mood as him. He told me yesterday when I kept apologizing for freaking out (because it makes me feel so embarrassed and guilty when I react poorly) and he laughed and told me he loved my freak outs that it made him feel like he had to think about what to do on how to calm me down cause I'm like a very sweet but very wild horse. I actually liked how he put that, mainly cause I love horses but he said it gently enough letting me know that yes I was a pain in the ass but one that he loved. So yeah... I dunno how to get comfortable relying on him. I think I'm just going to buy what I need in bulk before we leave so that it won't be as much on him. I told him saving for big things is more important. And it is. I love him so much.

I don't know

I don't know what the hell is going on, and I finally had a melt down because I had legal issues come up due to the fact that nothing is organized in my life (mainly because I've been waiting on Akira to tell me what is going on...in some shape or form, so instead of being in limbo and waiting..I can get things rolling...cause I've just come to accept the fact that it's going to be me rovolving my life around his...at least for now, but most likely forever...so I didn't know what to do...law school isn't exactly international proof and holds no room for an international marriage...so...) and everyone has been telling us to do this and to do that...Until it just all sounded like white noise....

Then I found out I have a warrant out for my arrest due to a "fix it ticket".  Basically over a year ago I got a ticket because my sticker on my car wasn't current (because I was waiting for it in the mail) so I told the cop that and she was like, okay just drive your car to the court house and have a cop sign off that he saw the new sticker. 

Nothing right?

Well then my grandfather died, and I few out to DC and had four days of no sleep, got on the plane, went to work, then on the way home, I completely totaled my car on the freeway.  New sticker and all.  So I even went to the courthouse and was like, does this still need to be taken care of since...well...there isn't a car anymore...and she just laughed and said no.

Well...apparently it needed to be taken care of because my entire legal file and IDs are on freeze.  So everything has stopped.  All the paperwork I've processed, all the papers I was waiting to process but now can't....stopped...nothing...nada...and all because I didn't check my mail.  Why didn't I check my mail?  Because I don't have a mail key and I don't know our mail box, which wouldn't matter anyway cause Akira and I haven't checked the mail so long that it now is all being sent to the post office...so even if they had mailed me a letters...I never got them....

So when Akira called me yesterday telling me he wants us to go to Japan at the end of June to try to win over his parents (so that meant that the marriage was put off, that basically even our engagement was put off, so I was pretty upset, I understood socially the obligation, but at the same time...This idea was brought up when his boss at work told him to do it and everyone has been like, oh you should do this, how mean it was for us not to do it...but we have shit to take care of)...and well...since I can't even travel...because I have an arrest warrant and my passport can't even be processed right now due to it...

And why?  Cause we didn't take care of our shit.  It was literally because we didn't check the damn mail box.  Why?  I don't have the key, Akira is away for work, I can't even go to the post office to claim mail because I'm not on the lease or a spouse..so...

So I snapped this morning.  I couldn't stop it.  God knows I tried (two prozacs)...but...Everyone has been saying, wait to marry now go meet the parents it's the right thing to do blah blah blah...except....

We can't.  My passport papers can't even be filed.  I can't go anyway because I can't even leave the country.  So...when poor Akira called...I blew up.  I told him that sure culturely it's not right, and socially all wrong, but that the only thing that mattered to me is that legally everything is taken care of...  because if the legal shit isn't done, it doesn't matter if we win the lottery, we still can't do shit.

Then I had a melt down in front of my parents and then another melt down in front of my coworkers...but...I haven't cried.

I just threw a fit so people would understand...paperwork first.

I kinda feel very German...papers papers papers!

We can fly over there and say hi....I could build a temple dedicated to his family...I could become a unicorn...but it doesn't change a single thing because the paperwork isn't filed. 

So today after freaking out, I called the Japanese Embassy cause no one else has, everyone is just talking out of their asses like they know what's going on when they don't....and lo and behold I got the info and it's exactly as I have been telling everyone...it takes freaking forever, and you can't do anything without being married.  I can't even make an appointment.

So...I got all the forms I could today.

Printed out the marriage application, wrote down the check list from the embassy, got all my records on my accident including pictures showing a renewal sticker (Lord), printed out and notorized for all certified copies on any important paper I could think of,  mailed what I could off...and now...

I just feel like a bitch.

I blew up so bad.  So so so bad.  I was shaking, I was even debating on throwing it all out and just leaving because it seems sanity hasn't been around in a while and now I was going crazy. 

And I feel bad cause Akira is being pulled around in so many directions and I promise you guys, I really really try to stay out of his way when he's working and I try really hard to be cheerful and understanding, but jesus, nothing gets me more then a screw up due to something stupid.

No more stupidity. 

I will go into my crazy filing mode, my paranoid record keeping, my constant nagging on keeping up with the appointments no matter what, and people can think I'm crazy...and I feel mean and I feel crazy...but...

I won't lose Akira because we didn't do what needed to be done.   I feel awful, and I'm sure his mom is freaking out and I feel so so so bad about all of it...

but...

Responsiblity first.  Everything else can be dealt with, mainly because we won't be in prison because we handled our shit.  I love Akira...I really don't understand how he handles me when I'm like this...

So...ummm...my nagging...got me a trip to Japan at the end of June...but...since I sent off for my paperwork and haven't traveled ever...I have no papers...

So....

FML.

Part two

So what had gotten me upset this time is that he had gone to Japantown and I had told him his view of Japanese Americans was pretty unfair and harsh (like I said, he calls them fake Japanese) and I actually think it's hypocritical considering that he's pretty much a Japanese American...so anyhow, he went and got moved and started appericating them and all that wonderful jazz....sent a number of elegnant almost down right poetic texts on how moved he was by the Japantown and even thanked me. 

So that was all extremely sweet. 

But his host mom's dog died and she was pretty upset and I was trying to reach him and I couldn't for a few hours, which was okay...not like a flipped out.  I figured he zoned into whatever single object caught his attention because the man cannot multi-task groups at all (like work, friends, family, ect...it has to be one at a time...and it's all or nothing).  So I waited for his call back and he told me how he met this guide and toured the tiny Japanese American museum...and I asked him wow, three hours?  And I made a crack that the guide must have been cute and he went off on me.  Started telling me I ruined it by being jealous and that I was selfish and didn't understand him at all, blah blah blah.

Well...I just didn't want to talk to him.  Maybe I'm jealous, but honestly, can you blame me considering his track record?  And if I can't joke about his flaws then I'll end up getting pissed about them.  If he feels ashamed of himself and doesn't like it when I make him realize when he's a jerk than that's his problem.  If he doesn't want to get ashamed, than he should stop doing it.  I'm not going to ever ignore it, and I will call it out every time.  That's my self esteem right there, I'm not going to lay down and let him do whatever he wants at my expense.

Anyhow...then the selfish part.  Let me tell you what a sucky engagement this has been...not only do I not have a ring, nor was I ever really proposed to...but I can't even offically announce it because he hasn't told his mother that we are engaged, only that he wanted to marry me.

Again...a lie.

Then the entire baby issue....don't even get me started on that...  Then the move, I have zero desire to up and leave in my late 20s to another country with NOTHING and have to start all over again.  I do not want to live in Japan.  I don't mind visiting it, in fact I'm all for living there once we have at least a little something to come back to...or even go to.  But to start all over again and have nothing, no job, I can't even work if I wanted to, and I have a degree that is worth NOTHING there....oh no honey...I'm not selfish, he wanted the baby gone...and it went...he wants to move to Japan...we will.  He doesn't want to tell people we are engaged because his mother is having issues...so I haven't planned or said a damn fucking thing.  Then on top of the cleaning, waking up at 3am to make him dinner when he works for forever, and basically doing whatever he wants to do...

I'm not selfish.

My little joke made him ashamed of being a jerk, so then he starts saying bullshit?  I'm not selfish and my esteem is just dandy. 

And I hate his voice whenever he's mad, he sounds like a bratty little boy, I almost want to yell at him to stop sassying me before I take my belt off and spank him.  That's how I feel.  Brings out the southern Alabama mother in me.  I cannot stand it when people get rude, and you better believe me, I correct any one anytime they are.  I don't have a moment of shyness when it comes to teaching people some manners.

Again...he really didn't do anything...except that he threw some low punches when he had no right to.

That's why I'm mad...but had I just wrote that, everyone would have been like, what's up with this girl...but now that you know the meat of deal...I'm sure ya'll understand why I'm close to telling Daddy to go all Jihad on him. 

Course...no one knows I'm upset.  And work has been wonderfully busy because I finally, and quietly, started putting ads out since Dad stopped them...I did only free ones so it's not like he can take it out of my check, it's just a shame I don't get commission on top of this...course I get paid crap...so...

I do love him, I want you guys to know that, he has improved.  But improvement is not a complete...recovery...I guess you can say.  You can say, well the break is repairing because now he walks with a tiny limp, but he's still not walking...and Akira, Akira is good enough and smart enough that he can be an elegnant runner.  He can be a true gentleman.  He's just got to get over his peer influences who have so far...been no where near gentleman.  Though they do visit gentlemen clubs :-/

And I know so of you are like, well why are you being so strict on him?  Does it really matter? He hasn't actually cheated, blah blah blah.  Let me tell ya'll.  I have been through enough in my life.  I have been raped, beaten, locked in closets, had boiling water poured in my.....while tied up upside down then locked in the closet again...and then..after I moved out at 17 and got away from it, went into a number of abusive relationships, until two years ago when it almost killed me, I stopped and just decided there are things that matter...and then there are things that don't.  That the past is the past and I am who I am because of it, but since so much of my life has been spent waiting to be able to leave perverts...I'm not about to spend my life with someone who is one.

And most men are pervs, thinking it's all innocent, even convincing us girls that it's okay for boys to go to strip clubs or to look that boys will be boys, and no...that's all peer influenced.  Men aren't born disrespecting women.  That is straight up learned behavior.  And that shit...I won't tolerate.  I let a lot of shit slide, but that's one thing I will never ever be loose on.

You either be a decent human being around me or you get the fuck out of my life.

I've wasted enough time being hurt by those kinds of people.  I surely won't deal with it willingly or to seem like a "modern" woman.  That is shit is wrong, everywhere.  Period.

When a spade is a spade

I know there are a lot of people are okay with male/female friendships and exs staying friends...and I know there are lot who are completely against it.

When it comes to men and women being friends...I don't think they can ever be true friends because no matter what side it comes from, there is always a bit of flirting and sexual tension.   Now I don't forbid it, however, I will not tolerate my partner having an extremely close female friend...only because then she will be a wedge in my relationship.  Whenever there is an issue, she would be the one he'd turn to when he couldn't stand me, and her being female...would likily lower me in his eyes and using a bit of flirting and ego boosting to make him feel better.  What is wrong with this?  Well...he sougth advise and instead of the so called female friend giving him actual advise (because let's face it, women will talk and flirt in circles before they emotionally numb up and give a straight forward answer...which should be, well I'm only hearing your side Akira, I'm sure there's a reason why Tiffany is calling you an ass, you should talk to her like man instead of leaning on me expecting something solid from your female "friend") he instead just gets an ego boost and goes on being macho wacko.

So I am against close female friends, because they are drama.  Women cannot not compete with each other, at the same time, women always make things worse then they appear and instead of solving problems, they end up going with the, well you're just too good for that, you don't deserve that...ego boosting bullshit instead of actually helping you solve the God damn problem!  Clearly I cannot work with women in large groups because I get so annoyed with the constant blah blah blah gossip that I would just rather shove a pen in my ear...and then my brain if it were long term.

The same goes with exs because not only do you have the blah blah blah flirt ego boosting uselessness....but you have a sexual history on top of everything.  Again, nothing said from that person's mouth can be trusted, and I'm sorry, but if that person is an ex, there is a (or should be) a solid reason why you do not want to spend your future with that person.  So why the hell make them a close friend?  Now ending things on good terms is mature...but clinging on to someone is clinging to the past, and again, with the sexual history and the flirting, why the fuck would you ever bring someone that tainted to lie to you into matters of your personal life?

Now with that established, no I do not have any close male friends, I have male friends I keep at a distant because they can't control themselves (surprise surprise) and my exs I completely get them out of my life because I've wasted enough of my time dealing with their bullshit. 

Now on Akira...lord this is going to be a long post....

On top of Akira's fondness towards strip clubs and hookers...Akira has a large amount of female friends, and repeatingly I have had to snap at him for being too flirty.  In fact...he has yet to make any kind of comment towards any of his female friends without flirting, and he's a horrible flirt on top of it.  It's very very very obivious when he does it, so not only does it hurt my feelings, I have to go through the parade of his coworkers telling me about it (since almost everyone he works with is female...and that plays along with the fact that women just can't shut the fuck up...that if there's gossip, it's going to be spread...but to the tenth power of drama).  So I end up extremely embarrassed, because...and I don't mean to be vain...but I'm not an ugly woman.  Not only am I not ugly, I'm well educated, and I was truly raised like a lady.  I did the charm school, girl scout, southern belle bullshit along with beauty pageants and country line dancing classes and cheerleading bs.  Then you have my mother's family who are major political players because my grandfather and now my uncle owns the sole largest military aircraft and navy producing company in the world.  I'm talking about, I sat next to Mrs. Bush during my cousin's wedding's brunch talking about politics at age 14.  That's the kind of shit I'm talking about. Hell my grandfather is in a video game based on D-day war heros. Let me just say, there is a reason one of my exs is royality.  I'm far from trash.

THEN we have my father's side, who basically hammered in my head to be child like, funny, kind, submissive, and never stop educating yourself.  To dress the best, that over smiling was the sign of a loose woman, that I should always stay logical and put myself, and not the man I'm with, in the center to keep my sanity because men are morons...then you have the religion, and the fact that Dad's father was a minor royal in Iran because the damn country reversed itself and killed and exiled as many royal loyalist they could so my father survived extreme poverity then came to the States at 19 and is now in a multi-million dollar home and has his own business that I help run and co-own.

So I have all the makings of a full out snob, but because I was raped 24/7, and experince racism all the time, and came from a broken home, and worked my ass off while I watched my father lose everything during the 2009 crash (and you better believe your ass we're almost fully recovered) and I pay for everything I have, to my schooling, to my car, to my medical insurance...I do not go around acting like a damn princess and I hate women that do. In fact, I'm pretty broke.  Now my father says I have a pride issue because I never ask for help when it comes to money, but honestly...it's because working and buying my own things is the only way I can live gulit free and not in complete ball and chain with my family.

So...this is why I don't mind that Akira didn't get me a ring, that we're in a studio, or any of that stuff because it's not the stuff, it's the meaning that I care about.  And I love that he's a hard worker.  Major turn on.

So when Akira flirts with another woman...I get so insulted that I literally can't stand to look at him.  Truly, I just can't.  And he doesn't see what he does as offensive and even this morning he told me he wished I would have more self esteem.  Self esteem is not my problem...lack of respect is my problem.

So what has made me this way, what on Earth has my perfect Akira done to make my happy cheerful overly loving postings go astray...? 

Let's start with the beginning.  He was massively addicted to strippers, and constantly checked out and made comments about other women.  So on top of having to wait around on him all the time and cooking and cleaning and not going out...I had to listen to him tell me how much he loves blondes and that I'm like a Toyota not his dream sports car but that he loves me anyway.  Then he had a massive crush on two co-workers at the start of our relationship...both blondes (not even real blondes to boot they are bottle blondes, at least my mother and future sister in law a real blondes), and both not even remotely interested, in fact one of them came out and had drinks with me and told me about the other blonde and then suggested I leave Akira for this other guy at their office.  Which I mean...I would never do that...if I leave Akira I won't want to be around anything that will remind me of him.  So when I asked him about the girls he'd lie about it and call me crazy until finally I had the one of the girls text him in front of me telling him exactly what she thought of him and how stupid he was for even risking losing me.

Clearly her and I are still friends.

So two lies..on coworkers.

The next group is "friends". 

At the start of our relationship I saw a picture of him holding hands with a girl, and standing next to another couple.  They were all Japanese and the picture was hanging in the living room...so when I first came over and saw it, I asked if the girl was an ex.  He instead told me it was his sister, then when I saw what his sister looked like, he then told me the girl was his sister's friend.  So I thought that weird and ignored it.

Then he told me how he almost dated another white girl before me who was Canadian.  A few months later, he got an email from a friend in Canada who was a girl, and who not only knew all about me from stalking my facebook, she also made fun of me.  So I asked Akira if this was the girl that he almost dated...he said yes, but they are just friends and that he was going to readd her to facebook whether I liked it or not.  So I got all upset and I asked him over and over if he ever dated her, made out with her, or anything, and he told me no.  So I asked why did she delete him from facebook? And he told me that a year ago (which is two years now) that she had came to San Diego and that he didn't see her.  So I let it slide...the next day I stayed home sick due to an eye infection and he was logged on in facebook and what do I see suddenly?  Tons of pictures of him and her in San Diego holding each other, in a hotel room, camping...that she had tagged him in.

So I started to go through all his pictures to just find out what's going on.  Seemed he had a history of having a girlfriend, then making the girl so sad because he just stopped giving a fuck about her, that he would break up with the girl out of concern for her well being...then a few weeks later he would start sleeping with the girl that his ex had been fighting with him about.  Then I saw that the first girl, the girl that took his virginity, was the same girl in the picture in the living room.

Oooooooh....you better believe I unleashed hell...we won't even get into that because I get so angry.

But you think that stops him?  Hell no, two weeks ago he was checking out a jogger so bad that I didn't know what to do...I was near tears...so I just made a joke and was like, her boobs are too bouncy.

And he does these things...he's gotten better...I hope, he's stopped all connection with exs as far as I can tell (and I have the passwords to everything, I'm in the computer business after all, I don't need to even ask him what they are, I've pulled up every record ever on him, and I am the master at tracing activity and mind you, his entire computer is in Japanese and I got all of that just from two hard drives).    So anyhow, I'm getting pretty pissed off right now...

I can't believe Akira had the nerve to tell me that he wished I had higher self esteem.  I have a healthy self esteem, it's his asshole traits that end up knocking me down, if he'd stop being a jerk lead by his dick and accept the fact that there are certain manners and respects that must be always followed if you want a healthy relationship...then I wouldn't have these crying fits over his stupidity and his need to get a hard on by every female who looks his way with a smile.

Harsh posting I know....and I love the man dearly still and he's a pretty good guy, but this bullshit has got to stop.

Pride

Sometimes he can hurt me so bad by trying to be an alfamale. It constantly reminds me that when it really comes down to it, I will always be alone.

Sometimes I feel I sleep as often with a pile of tissues as a little girl does with a teddy bear.