Exs coming out of the wood work

I've had my share of stalkers...both harmless ones and extremely scary, danergous ones. 

Lately, every man that's ever asked me to marry him has suddenly popped up out of nowhere.  (or maybe the gates of Hell opened...I'm not sure).  Anyhow...it started with my first ex, and fiance...we'll just name everyone by profession...Mr. Doctor.  Mr. Doctor left me when I was 20 because he was convinced I was cheating on him (which I wasn't, I didn't have a social life or any friends at all) but since I got hit on a lot, he was convinced I was looking to cheat.  On top of that, his family wanted two different weddings so my "barbaric" persian family wouldn't be around his very Italian family.  So he left me with a destroyed apartment while I was at work.  Needless to say, I was upset.  My mother flew down from Alaska and she drove my little bug full of my life, across the States to California where I stayed locked up in my room for five months at my father's. 

Anyhow, the ass emails me (he's married btw) telling me how he still loves me and how he misses me, and what a huge mistake it was to leave me....then asked me about my love life and then begged me to respond.  I have to admit, it pissed me off and depressed me because my life completely changed because of that one event...it was a life changing event...but...then I just felt bad for him.  Clearly he wasn't happy and clearly it wasn't my problem.

So I decided that's something he should deal with with his wife and left it as is.

Then my most recent ex...Mr. Saudi Womanbeater....said basically the same thing.  It will be a cold day in hell when I talk to him again.  I went two years with bruises and lies and tears because of him.  When he finally abandoned me at the airport complete with a fake ring and black eye...well...anyhow, after a few months...I realized how nice it was not to live in fear and covering bruises.    So he can go to hell.

Then, I guess, the most decent ex, Mr. UAE Police Capt., actually FLEW OUT all the way from Abu Dhabi and came to my office and asked Dad for my contact information (this was two weeks ago, and I had a great fight with Dad for actually giving him my phone number).  So he's been driving around and texting, but since I have no desire to be one of his wives, I've ignored him like all the rest.  I actually feel a little bad for not saying anything to him, since he came all this way to try to win me back...but...I still find it pretty tasteless because he's not respecting Akira and me, and two because he thinks I would even consider leaving Akira...to be one of his wives.  The guy must not be as bright as I once credited him. 

Then we have the clients who have crushes on me and 'friends' that have crushes on me, all suddenly having the urge to confess their feelings towards me when I'd really be happier if they didn't.

That's how I know Akira is the one.  He can handle it.  He handles people staring, random guys waving in their cars, the comments, the customers, my crazy family moments...he handles them with this calming grace that just makes him so damn elegnant that never in a million years could I ever even look at another man, much less leave him.

The second day we were together we were at an outdoor shopping area where a lot of Saudis vacation at and he was like, why is everyone looking at you?  And I even told him I dated one of the princes for a year (in my defense he was gone most of the year) and so I'm gossiped a lot and that's why I don't hang around people from Saudi Arabia anymore.  And he just laughed and was like, well I can't compete with that.  And I told him that the guy had no heart, which is true, he barely had a heart, he was mean and afraid of everything. 

But man...Akira...Akira beats all of them.  He's just the one...golden heart and all....  I don't know how else to put it. 

Makes all the bad shit in my life worth it since it lead me to him <3.  And he knows, he knows I'm 100% loyal to him and I know he's 100% loyal to me.  That, dear friends, is worth everything. 

Eye rant...then PAPERWORK PREP!

Apparently I'm enrolled in an imaginary masters class.  I got an email from a professor asking where I've been the past 7 days, and I was like, ummmm....I wasn't aware I signed up for any classes....

So I've been calling my advisor who isn't picking up the phone, just to be like, hey....I know I'm on loans, but it would be great to not charge me on this one. 

Anyhow...Akira and I figured out what is weird about circle lens, and it's the fact that they make the wrong part of the eye bigger and that's what makes people look like demons when they wear them.

Big eyes are big because the actual shape of the eye is larger, that means there is a great deal of "white" color in the eye.  This is quite pretty and attractive.  The lens, however; make the center of the eye bigger, which isn't naturally occurring and therefore ends up looking like a demon.  Akira told me that in Japan is started with the more gothic and geek group, the lens wearing, but somehow it turned into this thing that girls in high school and college wear daily.  I asked him what J-men think of this fashion, and he told me that more traditional men and serious men as well as older men do not find the trend tasteful, but that young boys (again in high school- college) sometimes find it attractive just to look at but that most men would rather date a girl who actually had large eyes. 

That makes sense.  SO I've decided to give my hate towards them a rest sense it seems to be a moronic phase like my purple lipstick once was...(eeeee bad choices). 

Now....on to the important stuff.

If you ever happen to find yourself in my ordeal....an American marrying a Japanese man...and you need paperwork on BOTH sides....deal with the Japanese embassey if you are in the States.

Lucky for us, we have one in LA that makes monthly trips to San Diego even.

What has been requested....on my side....

1. Offical copy of Birth certificate
2. Passport
3. Two passport photos
4. Marriage certificate (American one) to Akira

The visa I will be issued is a dependency visa, which only allows 36 hours a week to work (lol...) and that basically I am a dependent of Akira.

But in order to get that visa, we have to have a Japanese marriage certificate...sooooo...what is required of Akira is....

1. Family registry or...Koseki
2. Passport
3. American marriage certificate
4. Letter of Intent (this is where Akira explains why he's marrying me and what he intends our life to be like in Japan)

All of our paperwork, along with letter, is then mailed to the Embassy where we await serval months to get the Japanese marriage registered.

We need it to be registered so I can get the Dependency visa.

So that's the Japanese side....for the American size...we get to deal with ICE, if you are out of the States then you would deal with an Embassy. 

Things they need....

1. Passports
2. Marriage certificate (clearly I'm going to order more then one of these suckers)
3. Basically you stand by to be interviewed at any time, any where, and family is not safe in this one either....to verify that the marriage is real.  Once this is made, you cough up about $3000 and you wait about a year for the greencard.

I look forward to dealing with the US Embassy and avoiding ICE entirely because I've seen and heard awful things about the department (however, I have a feeling it's like the DMV, where the system just pisses everyone off, but when outside the department the people are actually pretty nice and normal).

So......

We will go to Akira's family's honoring of ancestors and stay a week in Japan in which I will take a million notes on things needed, wanted, and to prepare for, as well as I'm hoping to spend a day looking at apartments and houses to rent. 

Then once we come back, we'll get married and then submit our paperwork.  I'm ready!

But first...my cram session of Japanese and working over time all July! SCORE!

Then in August, Akira is going to be working 40 days straight!

I will have.......!!!!!

No life.

But....I'm soon to be a wife!

;-)

AND!!!!!!!

NEW APARTMENT ON JULY 10!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  We have a view! We are on a hill!!!!!! I have a walk in closet!!!!

You better believe Akira is getting lucky constantly <3  Boy knows how to sweep me off my feet!

I'm so tired that I really don't know what to write about other than...

I will never put myself in this kind of ordeal again.  I'm piss broke, and all this drama is driving me insane. 

I'm just so over it.

I just want to sleep.

Akira, as always, is being an angel.

I'm really worried he's going to get fed up and leave too.

My insanity...because the apple never falls from the Tree

My mother is just straight up insane.

I love her dearly, I do.  She's beautiful and funny and very kind if everything is exactly the way she wants it, but her cling to me is near death grip.  So naturally she is freaking out that I'm moving away.  She's been trying to even break me and Akira up, she's tried guliting me with her health, and then she was like, you promised you would never leave me! And I was like but I have to, it's not forever, it's just for now.  But she's had a supermassive freak out over NOTHING.

When I say freaking out...I mean that she's throwing such a huge fit that she took back everything she could that she's ever given me and things she can't take back, like my phone, she reported the phone stolen (my fault for joining her family plan even though I pay for it, I should just keep things in my name, I learned that with the business) so now I'm phoneless until tomorrow (which isn't cool because I have clients call that number) and she's just crazy.

Straight up crazy.

The move is a year from now...and she's insane.  Soooooo I called off having a wedding, not the marriage, I'm still marrying Akira, I just think that all the parents are going too crazy over all of this that I'm really tired of dealing with it.  If they all want to throw fits then it will have to be over something else because there's no more wedding.

Saves Akira and I a shit load of money anyways that I would rather invest on a house. 

I feel like I put a retirement home on time out.

Akira though found all this pretty entertaining and I think he's even proud of how I handled it, though he's really worried I'm going to snap any moment because I'm starting to shake all the time from the stress of dealing with everyone and trying to make everyone happy.  So everytime we talk and he sees me he repeats over and over, stay calm, stay calm, stay calm.  I'm staying calm.  I'm extremely sad and I want to sob but I don't have time I have to keep everything moving forward.

I don't want a wedding.  I want a marriage.

And I would really like sanity to return to our families because they are completely ruining this for us.  This isn't fun at all :-(

I would cry but I'm at work so I've been downing coffee wishing it was whiskey but at least I've done all my paperwork in lightening time.

Akira is cooking dinner tonight, I think that was really nice of him.  I love him so much.  I'm just so embarrassed everyone is acting like this.  I really wish everyone would just be happy for us.   I don't understand...everyone is upset because they want us to live near them, and I think that's a good sign, it shows how loved we are...both of us to everyone, but....this is not a healthy reaction.  We decided it wasn't fair to live near anyone...I don't see how we're being mean on that.  But everyone is just having the greatest freak out ever.  I really don't think they have any right at all to have any demands.  They are more then welcomed to give us their input but that's it. 

This is our life.  And my life goal is to be married and have a family...and I happen to be lucky enough to have found the most amazing person I've ever met in my life and for some crazy reason, he loves me and wants a family too. 

So I will unleash the gates of Hell if anyone messes this up!

Like a coin flipping in the air

Once again soooooooo much to update on.   Okay so last weekend Akira's host family came to San Diego to visit us for the weekend and to go to the Wild Animal Park (which was amazing!).  His host family is from a small town near the North Pole in Alaska.  When Akira was 16 and missing the States (since he had been back in Japan for the past seven years because his father's contract in Ohio was for only five years Akira was desperately trying to figure out a way to come back) he joined AFS.  AFS, from what I gather, is basically an international exchange high school program.  So Akira got transferred to Alaska, not his first choice, but he didn't care so long as it was back in the States.  He got very lucky, his host family is amazing.  Truly some of the kindest people I have ever met in my life.  Now they aren't world traveled, in fact, they are pretty blue collar, but they are just damn good people.  Big hearts.  So all the love and affection that Akira was lacking from his natural family and Japan was instantly filled when he met his Alaskan family, as we lovingly call them.  (it's a shame they aren't my actual inlaws...)  And I can understand why Akira was so confused on who he was...Japanese or American?  Because both families are extremely one way or the other.  His family in Japan is very traditional and live in a rural rice town, and his Alaskan family is very small town republican and even a bit racist, though...I don't think they mean to be, they just don't understand anything outside their own world, same with Akira's family in Japan, who are well...racist as well.  lol.  But no one means to be.  That's what I want to point out, cause Akira and I see this, none of them mean to be anything negitive, it's just how they were raised on what is thought of as a decent life.  So Akira, before me, was very confused.

Lucky for me my ordeal was extremes as well but it was easy for me to just accept it because unlike Akira, I'm also racially mixed so I really don't have a choice in the matter other than to be both cultures all the time which can be a bit of a pain in the ass but none the less, a more entertaining and open way of living life.  If I wasn't a half breed and if I wasn't so East and West I doubt Akira and I would be gettting married. 

That's the thing, both of our families see us as one way or the other instead of what we really are.  Akira is seen as either American or Japanese depending on which family he's around.  I'm seen as either Persian or American depending on which parent I'm around and then depending on what other Americans and Persians view me as...to Dad I'm always Persian, to Mom I'm always American....to other Persians and Americans, they are a bit confused on how to handle me....so either I'm embraced or shunned. Akira went through the same thing, was even bullied over it. This stuff use to bug me, but now I really don't care because no matter what I'm both.  And now Akira has accepted himself as that too.  He's both.  He's not one way or the other, he's just both.  

So as I was seeing how everyone was treating him, everything started to fall into place and we came to realize, sure we've had different lives and we have different cultures, but we're both very East and very West.  I even told him our relationship works out because we are like western friends but eastern lovers.  Which is very true.  I have yet seen an American woman willing to take care of a Japanese man without complaining about it because she doesn't understand the east's view of the roles of husband and wife.  Well I get it.  My father has done nothing but bang into my head on an almost hourly bases on the roles of a woman and a wife in an eastern home.  And Akira, dispite his perfect english and western behavior, loves in an extremely eastern way.  Which is the same way I do, so it works out.  We get each other.  We can flow from one side to the other with out any conflict and we enjoy nothing more then seeing how closely linked Japanese and Persians are to each other.  And we are each learning a new culture, which is also a bonus because each of us loves learning about cultures.  I'm sure we look crazy to everyone in our families, because we were both looked at as the sweet but odd ones in our own families, but Akira and I...I swear it's like we're always playing together.  Everything is great because we finally found someone else who experinces how we've lived our life.  He could never make it work with a Japanese girl or a western girl, and I could never make it work with a western guy or a middle eastern guy because we both needed someone who is both east and west. 

So....I guess what I'm trying to say with out bragging is.....I'm pretty happy I know him better than his family does....LOL!   And I'm pretty happy someone finally knows me <3 

But his Alaskan family is truly amazing, I even cried when they left (not in front of them thank God).

It's also pretty clear that the families are jealous of each other and keep trying to compete and convince us to live life their way...but we quickly answer this to a simple...there is no correct way because we don't fit into just one side of a family...we are both ways therefore the correct way to live life, to settle and to marry...is our way...both ways...in keeping with everything we value from all cultures and views and disregaurding those we see as too unfit in our lives.  Now naturally this hurts people in our family, but honestly, there's no way to get around it.

It's like that with half breeds and people raised in a multicultural atmosphere.  So those of you out there making us... you've been warned, looool.  I finally broke down today and told everyone to just accept that we are together to to not make us feel gulity for what we are doing because this is just who we are.  We're just...different....but we understand everyone's view.  We completely understand it, and no one is wrong...we're just different and that's nothing to be sad about, but to be proud of, I think at least...
This....

Plus this...

Equals a weird, crazy, open minded loving us!

And it feels like that, that we're walking hand in hand making our own way in life no longer alone <3

Reading into too much of what I'm reading...loool

So I'm a bride to be...and more than that, I'm a persian/american/japanese bride to be.  Well...since I know what is expected of American weddings, and since I'm just going to lightly make it Persian, Akira and I have decided that certain major accents of the decor, food, and dress change (from gown (American) to reception (Japanese) to honeymoon (....pornstar?) ) be Japanese.  Well...that's a great idea right?  Except Akira has only gone to one wedding and is a man, therefore has zero interest in anything wedding related.  So I've taken it upon myself and my trusty Japanese girl friends to handle this so that his mother won't dive bomb me during the reception. 

This has lead me to random parts of the day (since lately all I've been doing is posting ads and light accounting at work) to research what a Japanese bride is expected to do for her inlaws and husband since I figured that was the only thing I really need to know since it isn't exactly a Japanese wedding.  Well I started reading about the wedding dress...which seemed really pretty except for the head dress which I find extremely unflattering.  So...being nosy...I looked it up since everything in Japan seems to have some kind of story behind it.

And I found out that the head dress is so ugly because it's suppose to hide the "horns of Jealousy" and it goes on to talk about an old folk tale and how jealous women turn into demons ect...

Well...first I got pissed off considering that Japanese men seem to almost always have affairs...it's natural to be jealous, in fact, it's down right impossible not to be unless you're having an affair too....(my biggest fear is being added to this stat) and then I went through a long rant in my head on Japan's sick sex industry and well...by the end of the day, I drove home pissed off.

I was mad because I'm a very jealous woman, and since Akira is pretty honest (by default of not being very savy with the ladies I think) about who he finds pretty or not, I've always been in fear of any blonde that walks within a mile radius from Akira because I know he'll stare (luckily he hasn't done this in front of me because I do actually smack him..or the one time I did catch him).  Then I started to get jealous of his two coworkers (including the sweet one) and just started stewing over how mean it was that Akira told me that even though I wasn't a blonde that he still loved me (by comparing me to a toyota instead of a ferrari *btw I'm at LEAST a top of the line Merecedes...or a used Bently*) and that yes if there is a tiny blond in the group he would be more inclined to look at her.  SO...even though this was said a year ago when he had no clue that I could hold a grudge for forever...I sat there sipping my wine and staring at the makings for dinner thinking about how unfair and how ugly the head dress was and how it would be a cold day in hell before I put something like that on. 

The poor guy had no clue what kind of crazy he was coming home to.

So as I throw dinner around from pot to pan to dish and my sips have now turned into cups, Akira comes home and flopps himself and his briefcase on the couch at about 11pm....3 hours late from his ETA that he told me.  Lucky for me, I've learned to not start cooking until he calls me on his way home, in which this time I quized him about said coworkers and then hung up to a very confused and I'm sure, slightly scared, Akira.  Akira, for the most part, has learned to ignore me until he figures out why I'm crazy at said time.  So...he starts with what made me think he wasn't really working the past three hours.  And I snapped by asking if Blond A or Blond B were there at the office.  And he said no, he was the only one.  Then I snapped asking if he was distracted by Blond B and that's why he had to stay late to work.  This usually comes with a roll of eyes which can trigger a super massive fight or a sigh with a please don't insult my love for you by not trusting me talk which in turn makes me feel gulity.  He chose the gulit one, which worked and shut me up because I knew I was going crazy for no reason anyway.  So I served dinner and was secertly praying for my sanity to return when he finally takes my hand and askes me what's wrong.

So I started telling him how I was researching bridal attaire and how I didn't like the head dress (that got sad eyes) and how I have the horns of jealousy and that maybe he'd be better off with a Japanese girl because I'm such a jealous woman that it was just damn near a stupid point.  Akira just looked at me, Horns of Jealousy?  He asked tilting his head...and then he quickly grabbed the ipad and translated it and started laughing.  Well at this point I was near tears...one because the chicken was too dry and two because I had looked up something he didn't even know about.

Then he hugged me (cause we were eating on the floor) and he told me that he was so sorry for being so stupid at the start of our relationship, and that yes I shouldn't be jealous, but not because it could turn me into a demon but because he loves me so much that no other woman or person could ever make him think otherwise.  Then I asked him if he wished I was blond and he told me that now that I stopped dying my hair black and allowed to be all natural now (a reddish brown since mom is a strawberry blond and dad has black hair)  that it was the prettiest color he's ever seen and that he didn't see any horns anywhere in it.

This was a few weeks ago, but since it's on my mind I decided to write about it. 

The link that started my maddness
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Japan

So much to Update on

Well....Akira finally did a proper proposual...except since I have a ring, he gave me a diamond key necklace from Tiffany's.  I love it!  I told him to not spend so much money, that I didn't need it...but I have to be honest, I probably will never take it off.  I don't know how he knew, but I've always wanted one, but I just can't justify spending that kind of money on myself, and not use towards something logical...like paying down debt.  But it's beautiful and his proposal was so sweet.  We love this little town called Kernville, it has a white water river, near the giant sequoia trees, mountains, snow in the winter, and tons of hot springs.  It's very small, the town only has two stop lights and it was built from confederate soldiers that fled the rebuilt south.  We love it.  So we camped out on the river last weekend, waded in the river some, and when we got back, he got down on his knees and asked me to marry him.

We had waited to announce everything in hopes that his mother would come around, but that doesn't seem to ever happen, so he just told her that he was going to marry then and to please accept his decision. It still makes me really sad that she doesn't approve, but I'm really hoping once I go over there that maybe she will come around.

So I was and am extremely happy.  The entire weekend was just amazing, dirt roads, free range cattle and real cowboys, trains and hot springs, really really big trees that smelled wonderful...it really really reminded me of Alabama.  I miss it there so much, I swear I bleed the color of the red clay there.  But Kernville with its abondoned gold mines and ghost towns, it's like living in the real wild west, it's still wild there.  It was the perfect place to pop the question romantically, since a month ago we decided it like a business contract. 

So I'm a very happy panda.  And I feel extremely blinged out.  I have an all diamond watch, a massive diamond ring, and now a diamond necklace, all part of my engagement gifts...so I don't want to take them off, but when I'm in a tshirt and jeans....I feel really shy about it all.  I make it really clear to everyone I'm far from rich, I'm dirt poor actually because everything I earn I use almost all of it save a $100 a week towards paying off debt so after summer I can start saving up.   But...I'm really happy.

On top of that, I'm at 133 pounds right now!  So just 13 more pounds to go!!!! I'm so thrilled!  It's due to the lack of drinking I think...cause I can't afford to drink now, LOL.  But it's okay...I think I have my wedding dress picked out too, I'll have to get it shipped though, it's from a small boutique in Alabama that I used during my short lived pagenent days.  And I'm pretty sure I have a location and date...if I can get Akira to agree to it....he's being really difficult on that part...which is really annoying me...but I'm trying to be as understanding as I can be about it all...

But it's an old, small western town, turned into vineyard/steakhouse in Fallbrook where my mother lives...and I love it...I think it would be A- really cheap to reserve since they aren't very busy and unknown, B- easy to decorate as a multi culture festival, I can easily turn it into a Japanese like theme with laterns and all...and C- it has a chapel at the end of the "town".  I really really want it.  Or in Alabama...looool.  I can dream right?

*sigh*

Well I have a lot more to say, but I'm pretty zoned out because Dad is ranting and it's getting really entertaining. 

Diet success

I pulled my outfit off the mahican and it fit perfectly, I consider that a step towards success, so I'm a four in the USA and a 6 European so 15 more pounds and i will be wedding dress ready! Whoorah! ... Sorry I'm near the marine base, gotta love them!

I question Myself

Sometimes I wonder if all my issues with Akira are just in my head and only occur when we're apart....maybe I just get super paranoid and just start piecing together things that aren't there.

All I know is that man loves me so much and I love him so much.  He's just...extremely kind.

Anyhow we took a super cool weekend trip, I'll write about it later with pics, but yeah...

I need to find out how to calm myself down instead of reacting so poorly...if I could just stay calm, I wouldn't feel like such an ass.

Trendy cafes in Cali

Cause the worst stomach ach ever!!!!!!!

Damn you Fiber salad!  You tasted like nothing too!  I had a ton of hot sauce and it was just spicy crunchiness...and just...no....

The hell with these trendy places man.  Even LAX looks like a club now...even has a red carpet.

That should be LA's theme, food and drinks that clean you out for outragous prices while listening to techno music and sitting in a room full of puple fading to blue lights.

That place is made for eating disorders.

Bad choice, never again.

Found my issue with the move

It's not worrying about fitting in or finding a way to live a meaningful life. My fear of being jobless is only because I cannot handle the idea of leeching off Akira's income. I didn't realize it was so bad until we had a small fight over who would pay for my train ticket since I can't drive until tuesday. And the idea of him paying or even asking him sent me into a panic. . And im not sure why other then it makes me feel very useless and very guilty. It makes me feel like I should clean better and cook better. It makes me feel like well... Horrible. Like I'm not good enough or something. Maybe I'm too proud but really I don't want to spend his hard earned money on small things that are only for myself. I feel like money he spends on us is okay but spent solely on me is very unfair to him. So that's why I'm worried. I don't want to be a late 20s wife who is useless.

Akira is home now and I couldn't be happier. I really missed him, I always miss him but since I've been such a mess it's really wonderful being in his calmness again. He is so calm and so productive and upbeat that's it's impossible not to fall into the same mood as him. He told me yesterday when I kept apologizing for freaking out (because it makes me feel so embarrassed and guilty when I react poorly) and he laughed and told me he loved my freak outs that it made him feel like he had to think about what to do on how to calm me down cause I'm like a very sweet but very wild horse. I actually liked how he put that, mainly cause I love horses but he said it gently enough letting me know that yes I was a pain in the ass but one that he loved. So yeah... I dunno how to get comfortable relying on him. I think I'm just going to buy what I need in bulk before we leave so that it won't be as much on him. I told him saving for big things is more important. And it is. I love him so much.

I don't know

I don't know what the hell is going on, and I finally had a melt down because I had legal issues come up due to the fact that nothing is organized in my life (mainly because I've been waiting on Akira to tell me what is going on...in some shape or form, so instead of being in limbo and waiting..I can get things rolling...cause I've just come to accept the fact that it's going to be me rovolving my life around his...at least for now, but most likely forever...so I didn't know what to do...law school isn't exactly international proof and holds no room for an international marriage...so...) and everyone has been telling us to do this and to do that...Until it just all sounded like white noise....

Then I found out I have a warrant out for my arrest due to a "fix it ticket".  Basically over a year ago I got a ticket because my sticker on my car wasn't current (because I was waiting for it in the mail) so I told the cop that and she was like, okay just drive your car to the court house and have a cop sign off that he saw the new sticker. 

Nothing right?

Well then my grandfather died, and I few out to DC and had four days of no sleep, got on the plane, went to work, then on the way home, I completely totaled my car on the freeway.  New sticker and all.  So I even went to the courthouse and was like, does this still need to be taken care of since...well...there isn't a car anymore...and she just laughed and said no.

Well...apparently it needed to be taken care of because my entire legal file and IDs are on freeze.  So everything has stopped.  All the paperwork I've processed, all the papers I was waiting to process but now can't....stopped...nothing...nada...and all because I didn't check my mail.  Why didn't I check my mail?  Because I don't have a mail key and I don't know our mail box, which wouldn't matter anyway cause Akira and I haven't checked the mail so long that it now is all being sent to the post office...so even if they had mailed me a letters...I never got them....

So when Akira called me yesterday telling me he wants us to go to Japan at the end of June to try to win over his parents (so that meant that the marriage was put off, that basically even our engagement was put off, so I was pretty upset, I understood socially the obligation, but at the same time...This idea was brought up when his boss at work told him to do it and everyone has been like, oh you should do this, how mean it was for us not to do it...but we have shit to take care of)...and well...since I can't even travel...because I have an arrest warrant and my passport can't even be processed right now due to it...

And why?  Cause we didn't take care of our shit.  It was literally because we didn't check the damn mail box.  Why?  I don't have the key, Akira is away for work, I can't even go to the post office to claim mail because I'm not on the lease or a spouse..so...

So I snapped this morning.  I couldn't stop it.  God knows I tried (two prozacs)...but...Everyone has been saying, wait to marry now go meet the parents it's the right thing to do blah blah blah...except....

We can't.  My passport papers can't even be filed.  I can't go anyway because I can't even leave the country.  So...when poor Akira called...I blew up.  I told him that sure culturely it's not right, and socially all wrong, but that the only thing that mattered to me is that legally everything is taken care of...  because if the legal shit isn't done, it doesn't matter if we win the lottery, we still can't do shit.

Then I had a melt down in front of my parents and then another melt down in front of my coworkers...but...I haven't cried.

I just threw a fit so people would understand...paperwork first.

I kinda feel very German...papers papers papers!

We can fly over there and say hi....I could build a temple dedicated to his family...I could become a unicorn...but it doesn't change a single thing because the paperwork isn't filed. 

So today after freaking out, I called the Japanese Embassy cause no one else has, everyone is just talking out of their asses like they know what's going on when they don't....and lo and behold I got the info and it's exactly as I have been telling everyone...it takes freaking forever, and you can't do anything without being married.  I can't even make an appointment.

So...I got all the forms I could today.

Printed out the marriage application, wrote down the check list from the embassy, got all my records on my accident including pictures showing a renewal sticker (Lord), printed out and notorized for all certified copies on any important paper I could think of,  mailed what I could off...and now...

I just feel like a bitch.

I blew up so bad.  So so so bad.  I was shaking, I was even debating on throwing it all out and just leaving because it seems sanity hasn't been around in a while and now I was going crazy. 

And I feel bad cause Akira is being pulled around in so many directions and I promise you guys, I really really try to stay out of his way when he's working and I try really hard to be cheerful and understanding, but jesus, nothing gets me more then a screw up due to something stupid.

No more stupidity. 

I will go into my crazy filing mode, my paranoid record keeping, my constant nagging on keeping up with the appointments no matter what, and people can think I'm crazy...and I feel mean and I feel crazy...but...

I won't lose Akira because we didn't do what needed to be done.   I feel awful, and I'm sure his mom is freaking out and I feel so so so bad about all of it...

but...

Responsiblity first.  Everything else can be dealt with, mainly because we won't be in prison because we handled our shit.  I love Akira...I really don't understand how he handles me when I'm like this...

So...ummm...my nagging...got me a trip to Japan at the end of June...but...since I sent off for my paperwork and haven't traveled ever...I have no papers...

So....

FML.

Part two

So what had gotten me upset this time is that he had gone to Japantown and I had told him his view of Japanese Americans was pretty unfair and harsh (like I said, he calls them fake Japanese) and I actually think it's hypocritical considering that he's pretty much a Japanese American...so anyhow, he went and got moved and started appericating them and all that wonderful jazz....sent a number of elegnant almost down right poetic texts on how moved he was by the Japantown and even thanked me. 

So that was all extremely sweet. 

But his host mom's dog died and she was pretty upset and I was trying to reach him and I couldn't for a few hours, which was okay...not like a flipped out.  I figured he zoned into whatever single object caught his attention because the man cannot multi-task groups at all (like work, friends, family, ect...it has to be one at a time...and it's all or nothing).  So I waited for his call back and he told me how he met this guide and toured the tiny Japanese American museum...and I asked him wow, three hours?  And I made a crack that the guide must have been cute and he went off on me.  Started telling me I ruined it by being jealous and that I was selfish and didn't understand him at all, blah blah blah.

Well...I just didn't want to talk to him.  Maybe I'm jealous, but honestly, can you blame me considering his track record?  And if I can't joke about his flaws then I'll end up getting pissed about them.  If he feels ashamed of himself and doesn't like it when I make him realize when he's a jerk than that's his problem.  If he doesn't want to get ashamed, than he should stop doing it.  I'm not going to ever ignore it, and I will call it out every time.  That's my self esteem right there, I'm not going to lay down and let him do whatever he wants at my expense.

Anyhow...then the selfish part.  Let me tell you what a sucky engagement this has been...not only do I not have a ring, nor was I ever really proposed to...but I can't even offically announce it because he hasn't told his mother that we are engaged, only that he wanted to marry me.

Again...a lie.

Then the entire baby issue....don't even get me started on that...  Then the move, I have zero desire to up and leave in my late 20s to another country with NOTHING and have to start all over again.  I do not want to live in Japan.  I don't mind visiting it, in fact I'm all for living there once we have at least a little something to come back to...or even go to.  But to start all over again and have nothing, no job, I can't even work if I wanted to, and I have a degree that is worth NOTHING there....oh no honey...I'm not selfish, he wanted the baby gone...and it went...he wants to move to Japan...we will.  He doesn't want to tell people we are engaged because his mother is having issues...so I haven't planned or said a damn fucking thing.  Then on top of the cleaning, waking up at 3am to make him dinner when he works for forever, and basically doing whatever he wants to do...

I'm not selfish.

My little joke made him ashamed of being a jerk, so then he starts saying bullshit?  I'm not selfish and my esteem is just dandy. 

And I hate his voice whenever he's mad, he sounds like a bratty little boy, I almost want to yell at him to stop sassying me before I take my belt off and spank him.  That's how I feel.  Brings out the southern Alabama mother in me.  I cannot stand it when people get rude, and you better believe me, I correct any one anytime they are.  I don't have a moment of shyness when it comes to teaching people some manners.

Again...he really didn't do anything...except that he threw some low punches when he had no right to.

That's why I'm mad...but had I just wrote that, everyone would have been like, what's up with this girl...but now that you know the meat of deal...I'm sure ya'll understand why I'm close to telling Daddy to go all Jihad on him. 

Course...no one knows I'm upset.  And work has been wonderfully busy because I finally, and quietly, started putting ads out since Dad stopped them...I did only free ones so it's not like he can take it out of my check, it's just a shame I don't get commission on top of this...course I get paid crap...so...

I do love him, I want you guys to know that, he has improved.  But improvement is not a complete...recovery...I guess you can say.  You can say, well the break is repairing because now he walks with a tiny limp, but he's still not walking...and Akira, Akira is good enough and smart enough that he can be an elegnant runner.  He can be a true gentleman.  He's just got to get over his peer influences who have so far...been no where near gentleman.  Though they do visit gentlemen clubs :-/

And I know so of you are like, well why are you being so strict on him?  Does it really matter? He hasn't actually cheated, blah blah blah.  Let me tell ya'll.  I have been through enough in my life.  I have been raped, beaten, locked in closets, had boiling water poured in my.....while tied up upside down then locked in the closet again...and then..after I moved out at 17 and got away from it, went into a number of abusive relationships, until two years ago when it almost killed me, I stopped and just decided there are things that matter...and then there are things that don't.  That the past is the past and I am who I am because of it, but since so much of my life has been spent waiting to be able to leave perverts...I'm not about to spend my life with someone who is one.

And most men are pervs, thinking it's all innocent, even convincing us girls that it's okay for boys to go to strip clubs or to look that boys will be boys, and no...that's all peer influenced.  Men aren't born disrespecting women.  That is straight up learned behavior.  And that shit...I won't tolerate.  I let a lot of shit slide, but that's one thing I will never ever be loose on.

You either be a decent human being around me or you get the fuck out of my life.

I've wasted enough time being hurt by those kinds of people.  I surely won't deal with it willingly or to seem like a "modern" woman.  That is shit is wrong, everywhere.  Period.

When a spade is a spade

I know there are a lot of people are okay with male/female friendships and exs staying friends...and I know there are lot who are completely against it.

When it comes to men and women being friends...I don't think they can ever be true friends because no matter what side it comes from, there is always a bit of flirting and sexual tension.   Now I don't forbid it, however, I will not tolerate my partner having an extremely close female friend...only because then she will be a wedge in my relationship.  Whenever there is an issue, she would be the one he'd turn to when he couldn't stand me, and her being female...would likily lower me in his eyes and using a bit of flirting and ego boosting to make him feel better.  What is wrong with this?  Well...he sougth advise and instead of the so called female friend giving him actual advise (because let's face it, women will talk and flirt in circles before they emotionally numb up and give a straight forward answer...which should be, well I'm only hearing your side Akira, I'm sure there's a reason why Tiffany is calling you an ass, you should talk to her like man instead of leaning on me expecting something solid from your female "friend") he instead just gets an ego boost and goes on being macho wacko.

So I am against close female friends, because they are drama.  Women cannot not compete with each other, at the same time, women always make things worse then they appear and instead of solving problems, they end up going with the, well you're just too good for that, you don't deserve that...ego boosting bullshit instead of actually helping you solve the God damn problem!  Clearly I cannot work with women in large groups because I get so annoyed with the constant blah blah blah gossip that I would just rather shove a pen in my ear...and then my brain if it were long term.

The same goes with exs because not only do you have the blah blah blah flirt ego boosting uselessness....but you have a sexual history on top of everything.  Again, nothing said from that person's mouth can be trusted, and I'm sorry, but if that person is an ex, there is a (or should be) a solid reason why you do not want to spend your future with that person.  So why the hell make them a close friend?  Now ending things on good terms is mature...but clinging on to someone is clinging to the past, and again, with the sexual history and the flirting, why the fuck would you ever bring someone that tainted to lie to you into matters of your personal life?

Now with that established, no I do not have any close male friends, I have male friends I keep at a distant because they can't control themselves (surprise surprise) and my exs I completely get them out of my life because I've wasted enough of my time dealing with their bullshit. 

Now on Akira...lord this is going to be a long post....

On top of Akira's fondness towards strip clubs and hookers...Akira has a large amount of female friends, and repeatingly I have had to snap at him for being too flirty.  In fact...he has yet to make any kind of comment towards any of his female friends without flirting, and he's a horrible flirt on top of it.  It's very very very obivious when he does it, so not only does it hurt my feelings, I have to go through the parade of his coworkers telling me about it (since almost everyone he works with is female...and that plays along with the fact that women just can't shut the fuck up...that if there's gossip, it's going to be spread...but to the tenth power of drama).  So I end up extremely embarrassed, because...and I don't mean to be vain...but I'm not an ugly woman.  Not only am I not ugly, I'm well educated, and I was truly raised like a lady.  I did the charm school, girl scout, southern belle bullshit along with beauty pageants and country line dancing classes and cheerleading bs.  Then you have my mother's family who are major political players because my grandfather and now my uncle owns the sole largest military aircraft and navy producing company in the world.  I'm talking about, I sat next to Mrs. Bush during my cousin's wedding's brunch talking about politics at age 14.  That's the kind of shit I'm talking about. Hell my grandfather is in a video game based on D-day war heros. Let me just say, there is a reason one of my exs is royality.  I'm far from trash.

THEN we have my father's side, who basically hammered in my head to be child like, funny, kind, submissive, and never stop educating yourself.  To dress the best, that over smiling was the sign of a loose woman, that I should always stay logical and put myself, and not the man I'm with, in the center to keep my sanity because men are morons...then you have the religion, and the fact that Dad's father was a minor royal in Iran because the damn country reversed itself and killed and exiled as many royal loyalist they could so my father survived extreme poverity then came to the States at 19 and is now in a multi-million dollar home and has his own business that I help run and co-own.

So I have all the makings of a full out snob, but because I was raped 24/7, and experince racism all the time, and came from a broken home, and worked my ass off while I watched my father lose everything during the 2009 crash (and you better believe your ass we're almost fully recovered) and I pay for everything I have, to my schooling, to my car, to my medical insurance...I do not go around acting like a damn princess and I hate women that do. In fact, I'm pretty broke.  Now my father says I have a pride issue because I never ask for help when it comes to money, but honestly...it's because working and buying my own things is the only way I can live gulit free and not in complete ball and chain with my family.

So...this is why I don't mind that Akira didn't get me a ring, that we're in a studio, or any of that stuff because it's not the stuff, it's the meaning that I care about.  And I love that he's a hard worker.  Major turn on.

So when Akira flirts with another woman...I get so insulted that I literally can't stand to look at him.  Truly, I just can't.  And he doesn't see what he does as offensive and even this morning he told me he wished I would have more self esteem.  Self esteem is not my problem...lack of respect is my problem.

So what has made me this way, what on Earth has my perfect Akira done to make my happy cheerful overly loving postings go astray...? 

Let's start with the beginning.  He was massively addicted to strippers, and constantly checked out and made comments about other women.  So on top of having to wait around on him all the time and cooking and cleaning and not going out...I had to listen to him tell me how much he loves blondes and that I'm like a Toyota not his dream sports car but that he loves me anyway.  Then he had a massive crush on two co-workers at the start of our relationship...both blondes (not even real blondes to boot they are bottle blondes, at least my mother and future sister in law a real blondes), and both not even remotely interested, in fact one of them came out and had drinks with me and told me about the other blonde and then suggested I leave Akira for this other guy at their office.  Which I mean...I would never do that...if I leave Akira I won't want to be around anything that will remind me of him.  So when I asked him about the girls he'd lie about it and call me crazy until finally I had the one of the girls text him in front of me telling him exactly what she thought of him and how stupid he was for even risking losing me.

Clearly her and I are still friends.

So two lies..on coworkers.

The next group is "friends". 

At the start of our relationship I saw a picture of him holding hands with a girl, and standing next to another couple.  They were all Japanese and the picture was hanging in the living room...so when I first came over and saw it, I asked if the girl was an ex.  He instead told me it was his sister, then when I saw what his sister looked like, he then told me the girl was his sister's friend.  So I thought that weird and ignored it.

Then he told me how he almost dated another white girl before me who was Canadian.  A few months later, he got an email from a friend in Canada who was a girl, and who not only knew all about me from stalking my facebook, she also made fun of me.  So I asked Akira if this was the girl that he almost dated...he said yes, but they are just friends and that he was going to readd her to facebook whether I liked it or not.  So I got all upset and I asked him over and over if he ever dated her, made out with her, or anything, and he told me no.  So I asked why did she delete him from facebook? And he told me that a year ago (which is two years now) that she had came to San Diego and that he didn't see her.  So I let it slide...the next day I stayed home sick due to an eye infection and he was logged on in facebook and what do I see suddenly?  Tons of pictures of him and her in San Diego holding each other, in a hotel room, camping...that she had tagged him in.

So I started to go through all his pictures to just find out what's going on.  Seemed he had a history of having a girlfriend, then making the girl so sad because he just stopped giving a fuck about her, that he would break up with the girl out of concern for her well being...then a few weeks later he would start sleeping with the girl that his ex had been fighting with him about.  Then I saw that the first girl, the girl that took his virginity, was the same girl in the picture in the living room.

Oooooooh....you better believe I unleashed hell...we won't even get into that because I get so angry.

But you think that stops him?  Hell no, two weeks ago he was checking out a jogger so bad that I didn't know what to do...I was near tears...so I just made a joke and was like, her boobs are too bouncy.

And he does these things...he's gotten better...I hope, he's stopped all connection with exs as far as I can tell (and I have the passwords to everything, I'm in the computer business after all, I don't need to even ask him what they are, I've pulled up every record ever on him, and I am the master at tracing activity and mind you, his entire computer is in Japanese and I got all of that just from two hard drives).    So anyhow, I'm getting pretty pissed off right now...

I can't believe Akira had the nerve to tell me that he wished I had higher self esteem.  I have a healthy self esteem, it's his asshole traits that end up knocking me down, if he'd stop being a jerk lead by his dick and accept the fact that there are certain manners and respects that must be always followed if you want a healthy relationship...then I wouldn't have these crying fits over his stupidity and his need to get a hard on by every female who looks his way with a smile.

Harsh posting I know....and I love the man dearly still and he's a pretty good guy, but this bullshit has got to stop.

Pride

Sometimes he can hurt me so bad by trying to be an alfamale. It constantly reminds me that when it really comes down to it, I will always be alone.

Sometimes I feel I sleep as often with a pile of tissues as a little girl does with a teddy bear.