Happy Halloween!

 

 

I'm a cat, last moment costume thanks to Akira and the fact that the entire building was sending me pics of what they were going to be this morning.

 

 

Akira is a cowboy since he's working at his place (it's a country cooking themed place).

 

So....  once again....in the holiday spirit....despite the fact we're stuck at work 24/7.

 

And here's a picture of Day 2 in Japan, at the Tokyo Station...it is also the day I cried the most, looooool.  Oh my.  Time to grow up...????

 

 

And I snapped.

I've just fucking had it with everyone and everything.

One more

My engagement ring and wedding band. The wedding band has a pink diamond in the middle and a blue sapphire inside with the word happiness inscribed.

And the other picture is of my uncle that died three weeks ago.

And then of course that's my Buddy and Ramen, but the yorkie is my other dog that now belongs to my mom and he's Buddy's daddy. I miss him but he gave me a great little son <3.

I need something to do....maybe I'll go shopping...

I'm extremely bored

The apartment is almost done... I finally made up with the girls... So I guess they thought I was acting stuck up and that they weren't cool enough... Which coming out of 30 something year old mouths made me wonder if high school had that major of an effect on them. Is it mean that I just would rather do crafts over a bottle of wine and gossip rather then to dress like a slutty princess and party all night???? I mean, if I were 'cool' I'd be a partier... But I really would rather carve a pumpkin. Anyhow... Still no Internet, no tv, can't find my books... So I'm extremely bored.... And it's only ten am on a Sunday. Akira left for work a few hours ago... I miss him having weekends....

So I took some pics...clearly I'm bored. The drink is a mint julep... The rest explains itself.

No internet yet

So these past five days have been moving and unpacking while both of us work full time... So its been a true test of patience and we have been tip toeing around each other cause we are both about to snap.

My friends still aren't talking to me cause I'm not going out tonight... True friends right there...

And I dunno... I feel like no one is happy for us. I think we have gone a very long way from a shoe box studio to now in the middle of orange county... And Akira had been promoted a few times, we have traveled, ive lost weight... And it's like... No one is happy for us.

So you know what i say. Fuck it. We have worked so damn hard especially Akira and we have gone through so much that an apartment that is nice is great hell... We deserve a house. People getting butt hurt over rent... I don't get it.

So I'm pissed. I live our life and our home, be it a shoebox or a townhome and whoever wants to bitch and talk shit behind my back may as well kiss my huge ass while they are there.

It's not like we aren't the right age we r both near 30... Personally everyone in the south has a house and two kids by now so bitchy people in California can just get over it. Lord.

I'm grateful and you better believe it while everyone is out partying it up we are both working our asses off. So fuck them.

Picture in Tokyo station meeting akira's BFF

 

 

So this was the day that made me snap...I basically got either isolated or crowded in the Tokyo Station....   Needless to say by the time I was on the bullet train I was in tears because of a number of things.  Akira had warned me not to wear dark eye liner...and to this day states that no eye liner makes me look more friendly.  Everyone told me to look more friendly.  I think I look friendly...

 

 

Same make up...same outfit...different earrings.  And I basically walked around looking like this, except I did smile...except when I started crying, lol.   I don't understand how I scared people so much... 

 

I get children running up to me all the time and hugging me, just like, random little toddlers or kids...one little girl at a gas station asked me if I was princess Jasmine...so I don't think I look scary..

 

I dunno...the entire thing has made me start to change my entire look...  That trip was just a massive blow to my ego.  The last thing I expected to be seen as scary...or mean looking. 

 

So....I guess I have to fall into the "cute" shit in order to survive there.  Looks like we are going back very soon.  *sigh* 

 

 

Little goals

Day 1.

 

Unsuccessful at not touching my hair.

Unsuccessful at not eating rice (persian food is full of rice too, so I think I'm doomed)

Successful at signing up for a few online classes at Princeton to try to get certified as a social worker.

Successful work day.

Unsuccessful at catching the dead line for Japanese class.

Successful at not smoking.

4 cups of coffee so far....

Still mad at the girls for getting mad at me because I won't party this weekend.

Breaking out like a 14 year old.

 

 

 

 

 

Hats off to you men

Cause I swear if I had to date a chick if would drive me nuts!!!!!

My girlfriends are pissed I can't go clubbing this coming weekend but man.... I'm almost 28 and I'm tried of the little slutty whatevers running around during Halloween.  It's gonna be packed and expensive and theres always fucking drama.  And I have enough drama goin on right now.  Plus I can't leave akir home alone while I party it up...

It's just not nice or fair to him especially with everything going on...it's not that I don't miss it or  actually it's not that I don't miss my girls.  I miss them so very much...and I have invited them over that day to hang out and catch up...but just cause I can't party they got all mad.  The fuck.

And it's not like they don't know what's going on...so I mean...a little understanding would be nice.

Women man.

Nasty Habits

Everyone has habits...

Mine is twirrling my hair. 

I do this mainly at work...or driving...(which has caused me to get pulled over cause I guess it looks like I'm talking on my cell phone...). 

It's an annoying habit...and extremely hard for me to break.  Let me tell you this, I have had more success not smoking then I have from not touching my hair.

And I've had satin next to me, or other random things of softness...but I cannot stop touching it!  I'm almost 28 and I have a habit that most five year olds break out of....

I really don't know what to do and it's annoying because if I'm in a business meeting or dealing with a client, if I'm nervous...I'll start attacking my hair and EVERYONE knows why.  One of my clients even asked me if it soothes me that much...and I told her I don't even realize when I do it.

I never ever did it until after 9/11.

I had gotten threatened and beat up for...well...being middle eastern (even though I'm half and I'm NOT ARAB!!!!!)  that my mother took me to JCPenny wear a black woman in tears cut and dyed my hair blonde.  That was what...12 years ago????

I had never had my hair short before that, so the weight of my curly mess was gone, and here was this smooth, soft as air, straight hair...omg...I loved to touch it.  I don't know if I find it soothing...or that it's due to any kind of trama...

And I have no idea how to over come it...

But I do twirl a lot when I'm nervous...in fact, in Japan, I was twirling so hard that I would pull out hair...so Akira finally treathened me with mittens so I stopped. 

I don't know how to break it...I'd really like to stop my nervous twitches...I also shake a lot when I'm in public...but that could very well be due to too much coffee and extremely difficult shoes...

 

 

Women are women.not dolls

There's one thing that keeps me in this funky mood....and it's due to the amount and the ever extremely public advertisement of sex...in Japan.

It's not like Russia or mexico where the women are thrown into the product of the sex world due to economic factors...and at least they are shown as women....

In Japan the women are not shown as women, rather as baby whores, a girl/woman...with high soft voices, dangerously thin bodies, and implants (fun fact, besides eye work, Japan has the largest amount of breat implant cliental in the entire world).  Shocking right?  I live in Orange County, the highest competitive appearance capital in the states, where briadal showers often included free Botox and where implants are gotten as sweet sixteen gifts.

So when I went to Japan, I really thought I had seen it all, I had been the favorite girl friend of a Saudi prince in Beverley hills and watched in clubs as men ordered women to just stand and drink at vip tables...then I was friends with a russian who owned a 'dating' websites geared at throwing beautiful women at successful men.  I went to mansion parties, yacht parties where the men had to pay a few grand just to get the chance to buy these women drinks.  Then I was around the stripping world and watched club owners threaten women by picking up there kids after school to keep the women at work.

So I really thought...how bad could it be in Japan?

My readers...it's very very very bad.  Its so bad that the amount of suicide in Japan is not due to depressed salarymen or lonely geeks, but young girls trapped in the sex industry and then due to culture, forced to pretend they are okay until one night they cut down their arms and sear their blood to keep their lips red at death.

I was so disgusted and felt so helpless that since we landed in Tokyo...I felt this dispear that made me burst into tears constantly.

I guess seeing dokaota rose ads everywhere didn't help, since she's clearly a product of child abuse and is now signed up in Japan to sell sex under a fake underage profile.

Japan is land of child sexual predictors and then enforced by social pressure to keep women acting like innocent girls...

It's disturbed me.

I guess because now I see how suicidal these women get and how piss poor even the professional help is (mainly because there is a massive lack of professional women, true professional women) that it has instilled this crippling fear of living there.

And the men promote this behavior.

I don't know how to over come it.  I want to love Japan for akira's sake....but I don't know how to do it unless I went around there like Helen Keller, deaf and blind... Because watching the interaction between men and women just broke my heart.

Manland...

Japan.

One glass won't hurt....

Moving is horrible.  It's even more horrible packing and cleaning all alone on a rainy day when a glass of plum wine and watching a chick flick seems so much more inviting.

I'm grateful for the move....just not a fan of the process.

Bright side

I know that my postings  on Japan have come off very gloomy....so I have decided to write about some things I did like...starting with wear to find good coffee.  In the the land of tea, finding decent coffee became a mission for me.  Besides Starbucks...there were vending machines everywhere with canned coffee.  Some hot some cold...but again...not quite what I needed to get my caffiene in take (which is extreme) fix.

Thus came....Mister Donut.

The coffee was strong, the doughtnuts were good, and everything was cheap.... so I was very impressed. 

I came home and googled it, turns out Mister Donut is from the States, started in 1956 and is now called Dunkin Donuts in the USA.  Course we all know Dunkin Donuts. 

But...none the less...it was a happy little place for me in Japan...though I was disappointed it isn't a Japanese chain...but Akira pointed out something...

Rarely do the Japanese invent something.  They just improve.  So I should see Mister Donuts as an improved Dunkin Donuts.

To be honest...I'm going to find a Dunkin Donuts and see if there's even a difference.

Anyhow, the coffee was very good. 

The trash systems are nice.  It's very nice to see recycling over there in full force... 

Hot springs are AMAZING.  It easily turned me into jello. 

The nature itself is very pretty and very simular to the Southeast States...so I felt very comfortable in the wild.  Save for when a snake fell down the stairs of a shrine I was visiting that scared the abosolute shit out of me.

I loved how much wood was used in the building.  Again, reminded me of the South, and my childhood when I slept on our persian carpets with my nose close to the wood so I could smell it. 

I love that you have to take your shoes off everywhere.  Again, grew up with that, and I think everyone should take their shoes off whenever and wherever you enter someone's house.  God made dirt and dirt don't hurt, but it's annoying to clean. 

The bathroom shoes were just for show.  I didn't quite care for that.  Unless step.

I did enjoyed the warmed up toilet seats.

The food, in all it's glory, is amazing.  From 7/11 to fancy serviced dinners to revovling sushi...the Japanese do understand how to make food, and to make it well. 

I did miss sour and spicy things...and I missed real meat like lamb and beef...but other than that, very good eats.

Didn't really care for a good deal of the fashion...not that it was the clothes' faults...  it was more like the way it was assembled...but I did enjoy that the clothes made in China were even cheaper in Japan, so now I know that if Hell freezes over and we move there that there is no need to stock up on clothing. 

I loved how safe Japan was...now...safe...I mean by theft.  My purse magically returned to me a number of times (all times I left it on purpose to test what would happen since I did study Criminalogy...I was always facinated with this fact that the Japanese have a 98% crime solve rate, and usually it's due to the actual Japanese people, not the police)

Japan is not very safe for women's bodies.  In fact, it's a damn shame guns are illegal there because there were quite a few men I wouldn't have minded shooting their balls off.

I did enjoy the overly soft voices of everyone. 

I did enjoy the size of the shower/tub room.

I missed dryers.

I missed ovens.

I did enjoy the rain...even though it was in the form of a typhoon. 

I didn't really get to go out to a bar...which had been on my list...

.....well...that's all I can think of right now....

I could comment on this picture for Miss Mister Donut...but...why bother.  Japan is a land made for men. 

http://www.japantoday.com/category/picture-of-the-day/view/miss-mister-donuts


Like Akira told me, I would finally find a place more repressive to women then I would ever find in the middle east.

True.  Japan had succeed in masking "equal rights" by constant demeaning media and social pressures to keep well educated women...to pretend to act like children and to basically accept most sexual advances. 

Doctors

Well I'm not going to say everything is okay...but things might improve.   Like I said, we were dealing with two massive tragedies in both our families at the same time.  My uncle died, my grandfather had a heart attack and my grandmother has gone insane.  On Akira's side he had a core family member who tried to commit suicide.  We have been an absolute mess.

I am still sick, course not the same sickness before or during Japan, I have the flu now.  So this entire time I have been sick one way or another.

Due to Japan's crazy weight craze I went to a weight doctor on Saturday to try to get diet pills to be turned down because I'm at my absolute perfect weight.  My body mass, height, fat and weight are at the perfect levels....however I was still called fat in Japan.  Luckily the doctor I went to did his doctrine paper on eating habits in asia and explained to me why most older Japanese people were huntched backed was due to being too skinny all their lives that the bones were too weak and there fore bent and deformed from lack of proper eating.  Then he explained that this was due to the depression after the war and that for some reason the idea of thin has gone on and it has made Japan the leading country in the world for eating disorders and that underweight was the main reason for easy cancer development and even birth defects.  Made sense to me.  So the. We got Akira looked at because his entire family told me he was fat, when in fact he's just a few pounds away from being underweight.  So...another thing that annoyed me in Japan.  I kept telling everyone that healthy weight is the same everywhere, that their influence of this crazy thinness was due to economy and the  harsh competition between women...so I was close to the actual reason at least.

So we're healthy and I've come to now dispiese the idea of what is considered a healthy weight in Japan and write off like I do with most things. The family member is seeing a shrink, but again, the tactics of the shrink are completely wrong and make the situation worse so I finally told Akira that enough was enough that we should house the member here in the states for proper help and relaxation.  Again, like the weight and the sex industry, I figured that the health system over there, especially in regards to mental health, was less then stellar.

My family is still pretty upset.  But death has that effect.

Saw the movie Argo with Akira the other night, amazing movie, pretty fair to Iran.

Wish I would get over being sick...

I need to start packing cause we are moving very soon...again.

In order news, during all of this akira and I have made an amazing team and it has only solidify that we will be good life partners.  I swear, I just love that man so much.  Y'all just have no idea.

Keep our families safe

I'm getting extremely worried about our families.  My Father's family is dealing with the loss of brother/son due to natural causes and it is destroying them.  My grandmother has gone crazy thinking she's still in Iran and she's also going blind...even her eyes are turning blue.

I'm even more worried and scared for Akira's family because they are at such a delicate time that what my Father's family is going through could happen to his but not due to natural causes but to poor reaction and meaninglessness.  I can't get the image of my father digging my uncle's grave...or how the other brothers fell to their knees screaming and crying in extreme sorrow...or my grandmother thinking my uncle was just sleeping and trying to unwrap his dead body screaming his name...out of my mind.

I couldn't endure that if it ever happened to Akira...it would break my heart and it would drive him crazy....I know him.

I feel so helpless and I'm so angry at his parents for their denial of very major issues.

I am watching my world change is such sad ways....and I'm realizing the extreme differences I'm a Persian family vs a Japanese one.  Persians base their entire life on love.  It's in the religion, the poems on buildings, songs, food, and just every part of life down to even how they care for their health.  Suicide is an unforgivable sin for Persians because it hurts the family and you are to never hurt the family.  The body cannot even be buried if its a suicide...it's to be left to rot then burned without any markings of the event or person....all pictures and things are to be destroyed because that person's action destroyed an entire community. Their name also vanishes...it's forbidden to ever say it again.

Here in the USA it's also seen as something extremely tragic and selfish.  I hate that suicide and prostitution are glorified in Japan.

I just don't understand and every few hours I'm in tears for the two most important men in my life....my father and Akira.

I don't think I have prayed this much in a very long time.

Loneliness and Suicide in Japan

While I was in Japan, even though it was short...I experienced a lot...Akira told me I probably went through more then most tourist ever do and maybe that's why my shock was so bad...but...during the witnessing of husbands with hookers at Love Hotels, and the groping, the massive massive xenophobia the Japanese have, and how, despite all the dysfunction...Japan itself is pretty wow.  Good wows, bad wows...just wow.  I can understand why the catch phrase WTF Japan?! caught on...it truly is...What ...the...Fuck....

But I guess it's just different...in every way...different.  Not bad, not good, just massively, completely different. 

During my time, I went through proper-ish marriage things, and introductions, ect... but I also saw the very real leading cause of death in Japan (number 5 cause of death according to the latest country toll)...suicide.

I'm not going to go into details of it...but I can completely understand it in Japan.

Japan. It's wonderful...to look at...okay...to be a part of it, if you are ever accepted as part of Japan...but the Japanese are pros at isolating themselves and everyone around them.  Everyone seems to be an island.  No real emotions seep around...and there's a strain to keep it that way. 

It's so easy to get depressed...I felt it in a lot of people.  It makes sense now...why CUTE is so important in Japan...in fact, I even saw on the news over there where they claim the kwaii market will save Japan's economy...or the sex rate or ease the suicide rate.  It's such a high pressured, cut off from other people society, that I can say, pretty boldly, most Japanese people do not even fall in love...because the personal interaction is so programed...it's impossible.  It explains why affairs and the sex industry are every day ordeals...or why housewives or women in general stay child like.  Japan is no place for true adult emotion.  Love? No...no Romeos there...save for maybe in the end there may be a suicide or two.  Separate bedrooms...saw that in full force.  Men and women, leading separate lives, as if the existence of each other is only for the benefit of society and the children, and even parents interacting with children is pretty low on emotions too...not saying the parents don't love their kids, all parents love their kids...but no hugs after a certain age...no I love yous...

The fact is...it's a very very programed society...void of expression of true emotion...down to the core family unit even. 

The programming is comforting...but only if you have everything society says you should have by certain age, sex, blah blah blah...so any failure to that leads to people isolating from you even further...til one day...bam! You kill yourself...or try to.  Broken hearts, loss of school or job...it seems to be a very unforgiving society...if you fail in any way you fall out of the conformity...and then, bam...extreme loneliness.  Just because you're different.  And trust me, if you're not Japanese, you'll be isolated anyway due to their xenophobia.

It's down right scary.

So...then...you know...there's therapy...but again...it's Japanese therapy, and I have serious serious doubts that it's effective in any form or way. 

So...in that respect...Japan's loneliness...broke my heart.  It is by far the main reason why I struggled there and why I doubt the move now.  I even started cringing at the fake laughter between school children.  So...  it's very very very sad to see that...but at the same time, Japan would not be Japan without such a society.  After all, rule number one in Japan is to follow the rules.  That's repeated in just about every ancient document I saw there.  Follow the rules.

I would highly suggest those of you dreaming of Japan...to do whatever you can to never get isolated.  Even I got extremely depressed when left alone, because even with the crowd, no one talks to each other...no one mingles and no one really cares so long as you're safe.  If you're in danger, everyone will be there, but oddly, no one is there when you are in danger of yourself. 

Here's an article...I've been getting some angry emails from expats who are so engulfed in their yellow fever, or anime, or geshia fetishes that even though they have or are in Japan, fail to see what I saw, but I'm not part of any of that bullshit.  I went to Japan and faced reality because I'm moving there, and God knows I'm far from having yellow fever, I can honestly say I found very few people attractive and those that I did were women.  Course...I'm a woman who loves a man with a full hearted laugh...which is why I fell for Akira...but I didn't hear any of those laughs, save from maybe the time I broke danced in the elevator to keep people from running out.

http://www.japantimes.co.jp/text/fl20120212rp.html

So please don't yell at me saying I'm bashing Japan, I'm not.  I'm pointing out shit so white geeks with weird fetishes who are depressed here don't go over there thinking it's something completely different and end up offing themselves anyway but over there because they have anime boob glasses on or some weird shit like that.  People gotta face reality.  The reality is...if you hate your life in the States, you'll most likely hate it even more in Japan because no one really gives a shit if you have problems or not and if you voice them over there, no one will want to even acknowledge your existence because your emotions make you weird so weird is avoided.  So....take care of your shit, and once you have moved on...if you want to live in Japan, pack the Prozac and go for it. 

It's not like anime at all...Japan....and it's not a place to yellow fever it out.

It's a real country with real people with real problems....just like the rest of the world.

One angle of Japan

Akira told me something that I disagree with...that the fear Japanese people have towards westerners is that they fear they are superior...which I have to admit it is VERY clear that Japan is occupied and kept u der thumb by the USA.  Our military is everywhere and in full force in Japan... But I would think that it would install a decent amount of hate and extreme distrust because our military isn't exactly what I would call polite or careful....which seems to be the core of Japanese ethics...they are the most prepared, just in case it whatever happens there's a plan and another plan....and everything is just very safe....  Along with everything has a ceremony so that everything is presented correctly to be appreciated correctly...completely different from the west.  In the west either you don't present anything or you're a show off and show everything...there's no real middle ground so proper people never talk about money or show their wealth or u can live ur life like a rock star and show off the pice that's mounted to ur wall...

But I guess the Japanese found a way to...just make everything a show...and that show completely stressed me out.   It's a mixture of modesty but the high stress of over appreciation that set my years in charm schools and southern belle raising out the window.  His family seemed to be more nervous about me due to my breeding according to Akira (who presented his family with my family's history...which made them more worried I think because well...it's a lot to take in) so everything was highly ceremonialized and left me completely at a loss of just...well...actions besides smiling and memorizing every tiny detail of whatever was in front of me.

Needless to say...I was very very tired the entire trip.  I have pretty freaky gift due to my iq...I remember in images constantly and in order...so all the signs all the scenic views...all of it made me extremely tired.  It was the first time in my life that I literally fell asleep while standing in line...but I didn't know I was asleep because I was dreaming the streaming lines of data at the Tokyo station.  I never could tell when I would fall asleep...another thing that freaked me out.  Akira's family enjoyed the fact that my iq was high, fixing printers or clocks..but I told them it was wasted because I wasn't doing anything amazing with it...that it was like my sports car...I always put it in Eco mode.  But it made me so tired.  It made things a little easier though a week in...I started recognizing words in Japanese and got use to the conformity which feels very comforting I might add.  I started figuring out the value of money there because Akira rarely explained much to me.  He seemed annoyed to explain everything to me and my lists of questions went mostly unanswered...

Course there were 'protests' against the USA and China while I was there, along with three typhoons... But I can say because we were in the Niigata prefecture, that we were isolated from all that ruckus.

There's a lot more to write on, but I'm sick and I really want to nap.

Now I miss Japan

Sorry I haven't wrote...my uncle died, my grandfather had a heart attack and my grandmother lost her memory due to the trama of it all as soon as we landed back into the states....

It's been very very hard lately...but my view of Japan changed.

I was extremely upset that we couldn't get married since akira's current address is in the states.... It broke my heart on top of the horrible insecurity I was having due to people staring at me and following me around, or taking pictures.... It was really weird and scared the absolute shit out of me... I think I clung onto Akira crying for a good two days because the people were all over me or just point blank staring....

His dad finally told me that I should feel like a celebrerity...that people were staring at me and following me because I was beautiful and have a cute face...but all in all...I was pretty terrorified.  Even when we went to the bank...because we stayed until closing...all the female employees came up to me and were questioning akira about me...and well...I felt like I was in the zoo.  Even the older villagers I helped an older woman to the bathroom and when she looked at me she jumped back and gasped and I even made one poor girl scream...  I really don't know what to make of it...other then it all really hurt my feelings and I felt really alone.  I'm so use to smiling and talking to strangers and laughing...but I couldn't do that in Japan.

I felt safest at Akira's home.  His mom was so kind to me....she even hugged me and told me how much she loves me...his whole family loved me.  They even asked me if I was sure if Akira was good enough for me and I was like...I dunno if I'm good enough for him!  But she would take my arm and walk me through veggie gardens to look at butterflies or would leave me cute sweet treats...and they'll told me they knew it was hard on me but that it will get easier... And they are right...  I miss it there now...I miss his family...

I don't know what to do...if I can survive the move....

We did get our rings though from his uncles store...

It has a pink diamond in the middle and a blue sapphire inside and the engraving Happiness inside too....

I miss his family....  I came home to so much drama...



Japan itself....is beautiful.  I wasn't a fan of the large cities...and yes porn was there I'm full force along with I had an encounter with a pervert at least twice or so a day...but nothing worse then a few pinches except one guy looked at me and licked his lips and all I could think about was the Japanese guy who ate his crush... So... I was a decent freaked out mess.